Nihilo

We've moved

2008-02-10T18:41:00.000-06:00

A good reminder

2008-01-30T12:35:00.000-06:00

If, on the other hand, you meet a person who is not thus prepared, a person who as yet has no conviction of truth of the gospel and perhaps no idea, or even a false idea, of what the gospel actually is, it is worse than useless to try and stampede him into a snap 'decision'. You may be able to bully him into a psychological crisis of some sort, but that will not be saving faith, and will do him no good. What you have to do is to take time with him, to make friends with him, to get alongside him, to find out where he is in terms of spiritual understanding, and to start dealing with him at that point. You have to explain the gospel to him, and be sure that he understands it and is convinced of its truth, before you start pressing him to an active response. You have to be ready to help him, if need be, through a spell of seeking to repent and believe before he knows within himself that he has received Christ, and Christ has received him. At each stage you have to be willing to go along with him at God's speed. But that is God's business, not yours. Your business is simply to keep pace with what God is doing in his life. Your willingness to be patient with him in this way is the proof of your love to him no less than of your faith in God. If you are not willing thus to be patient, you need not expect that God will favour you by enabling you to win souls.

J.I. Packer, Evangelism and the Sovereignty of God

Parenting Conference

2008-01-25T15:39:00.000-06:00

I you are in the Huntsville, Al our church is holding a Parenting Conference. Ramona and I will be doing one of the breakout sessions for parenting teenagers (imagine that).

If you are interested, you can get more information at our church web site at the parenting conference page. The cost is only $10 per couple for materials. The two main speakers are Tim Keeter and Paul Lamey both who are excellent teachers. Men who will faithfully open God's Word to you about the subject of parenting.

The Class I am teaching

2008-01-25T15:23:00.000-06:00

My brother asked about the class I was teaching in the comments of the previous post.

I am currently teaching a class called The Fundamentals of the Faith on Sunday mornings at our church. It is a class for new/young believers where we systematically cover the basic doctrines of the faith. We also cover some basic areas of practice such as bible study, prayer, etc. I am teaching most of the classes, but we will bring in others to teach from time to time to give me a break and to let other qualified men have a chance to teach.

We are using as our primary doctrinal text a book by Wayne Grudem called Bible Doctrine. It is a good basic description of all the major doctrines and a number of significant minor doctrines. There are a couple of places where Professor Grudem teaches a different understanding of a particular doctrine than we would at our church. However, those differences are on what we would consider minor doctrines.

At the rate I am going, the course will probably run for about two years as we try to go slow and allow for questions and discussion. By that time we may very well have a new crop of students so I can see the class going on indefinitely.

It has been a while

2008-01-10T22:21:00.001-06:00

It has been a while since we posted. I recently had an commenter ask that we continue because of the help we have been. I don't know that I can start full time blogging again. Along with the remaining eight kids (three are out of the house now), I am now teaching a Sunday School class and taking a class at our church, along with my work schedule.

However, we certainly want to help any of you who are out there who may be struggling with your adopted children. So, we would be willing to answer you questions here. If your question can be asked in a general way, post a comment here and we will try to respond.

If the question is more personal in nature, you can either leave an e-mail address here or look at my profile and send me one from there and I will try to get back to you.

By His Grace

Bob

Education Question

2007-08-09T21:23:00.000-05:00

Bob has enrolled in an online biblical counseling course and is staying busy with that, so I thought I would post an education question that someone asked and both of our responses to it.

Question:
Just as we're ready to start our new year of Bible & worldviews studies, I'm having some second thoughts... Not about studying the Bible or even necessarily about studying other worldviews. The program we've chosen for our daughter this year takes a high schooler through ancient literature and simultaneously stands it up against the Bible, so you're reading both at the same time. Lots of questions to ponder; lots of Francis Schaeffer help w/ reasoning; lots of Bible. Excellent stuff. However, in reading an excerpt from a book called "Heart of Wisdom" (re: the Hebrew model of education), the author asserts that it is not necessary to read the whole Iliad and Odyssey in order to find its fallacies. She points out that you wouldn't allow your children to spend a lot of time w/ people who would talk to them about unbiblical or immoral things--why would you allow them to do the same by reading an author whose whole worldview is antagonistic to yours? Isn't it the same thing?

So how much of Iliad & Odyssey is enough? Do I have to read all of Harry Potter to find its worldview? Do I have to read any of it? Does a doctor try to experience every disease in order to understand it or does he just observe it from a careful vantage point in order to recognize it?

I completely see her point! My children are going to and already do see things all around them that are antagonistic to the gospel of Christ, and my thinking is that, like a bank teller, if we spend our time studying the real McCoy, we can spot fake tender w/out blinking! So why would I subject them to Homer's complete teaching?

I'm asking in the context of high schoolers, but truly, is it necessary for me as an adult to read it all either? What about Philippians 4:8?

How much is enough?

Ramona's reply:
We have ten kids at home, nine of whom are teens, so I have a wide variety of experience from which to draw from for this question. To a great degree, it depends on the spiritual maturity and discernment of the child or person. We have one daughter (age 16) who recently wanted to spend the night with a friend and go to church with her the next day. This daughter is very susceptible to outside influences and we chose not to allow her to go to another church without us there to help her understand what was going on. However, another 16 year old daughter is very mature and discerning. She works with folks who are gung ho about the Harry Potter movies, so she asked if she could read one of the books so she could discuss it intelligently. This daughter is NOT easily influenced, but she did want to understand "where they were coming from" in their discussions of the subject matter. She read it and her comment was that it was "fluffy" and not at all interesting compared to CS Lewis. She also told us how the books were much different than the movies. The children are not as disobedient and rebellious in the books as they are in the movies, for instance. Not all of our kids would have been able to make these distinctions. As a matter of fact, some of them might have tended to pick up the beliefs and/or habits of the people in this book, so we would not have allowed all of our 16 year olds to read this particular book (although our 11 year old probably would have done fine with it!).

I would suggest that, as a parent, you should try to understand your child's level of discernment and judge how "deep" to go into the subject matter according to that. If you see them start flailing, back off a bit. Do remember that the goal is to prepare them to thrive in a sinful world, where they will eventually be surrounded by these books, movies, etc. that you are teaching her about right now. It is best for her to learn to defend her beliefs while in your "greenhouse" rather than putting her out in the storm unprepared. Just keep a close eye on her and increase the scriptural influences if she is not growing straight and strong, though!

Bob's response:
Let me add something to what my wife said. When we adopted Jennifer she was 14. Because of that we had no reason to expect to have her more than five or six years. In fact, we had her five and a half years before she got married and moved away. She and several of our others that we adopted did not have much schooling in their native countries, and were having to learn a new language on top of that. We have had to think long and hard about what it means to educate a child like this.

Having done that let me propose this as the purpose of education: To teach WISDOM. Facts are nice and necessary to achieve true wisdom,but they are not the purpose of education, wisdom is. What do we need to obtain wisdom:
1) The ability to learn God's Word.
2) The ability to learn about the world around us.
3) The ability to reason from what we have learned in #1 and #2.
4) The ability to apply what we have learned to our own lives
5) The ability to communicate what we have learned to others.Thus we believe that it is more important to give children the tools for learning than it is to fill their heads with a group of unrelated(at least to them facts). Given the tools they can learn on their own after they have left your house.It sounds like you have the basic right idea, but perhaps keeping the focus on learning HOW to deal with these things rather than the WHAT will help keep her training in focus.Let me suggest that she would be far better off having dealt with a small amount of material in depth than a great deal of material in a shallow manner. If she encounters something new, she can always apply those skills to the study of it. However, without the tools she won't know how to deal with something new if it comes up. Not that there is really anything new, but it often comes wrapped in a new package. Hope that helps.

If anyone is interested in more, let me know. The conversation did go a bit past this, but including the rest of it would make for a very long post. If there is enough interest, I can make another post, though.

Blessings
Ramona

Suffering for the Elect

2007-07-23T22:28:00.000-05:00

When you adopt a child at an older age, you may be the first person to ever bring discipline and authority into their lives in any meaningful way. You become to them the embodiment of the Law. It is not surprising then when they act according to their nature. They may be rude, rebellious or even call down curses upon you as one of my daughters did. Over time they can bring a great deal of suffering into your family. However, this is not surprising as Paul tells us in
2Ti 3:12-13 'Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted,while evil people and impostors will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived."

The shock comes to us as adoptive parents when we realize the source of this persecution comes from our own child. But before we run away, or try to rid ourselves of this difficult child we need to understand the roll of suffering in the life of the Christian. One reason that Christians suffer is for the sake of the gospel and those that will be saved. Again the apostle Paul says:

2Ti 2:8-10 Remember Jesus Christ, risen from the dead, the offspring of David, as preached in my gospel, for which I am suffering, bound with chains as a criminal. But the word of God is not bound! Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they also may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus with eternal glory. (ESV)

Here the Apostle Paul gives us a reason for his suffering, that the elect may obtain the salvation that is in Jesus Christ. We as parents should likewise be willing to suffer in order that our children might come to salvation.

In my own life, I have seen this worked out. One of my daughters came to us from a disruption. When she came into our house, she was bitter and angry. In addition, she had very little experience with authority or discipline. On more than one occasion, she litterally called on God to curse me. To this day, I still have scars on my arm from one episode with her.

However, today she is not only my daughter, but my sister in Christ. In the day I saw he heart turn to Christ, I truly understood:

Act 5:40-41 and when they had called in the apostles, they beat them and charged them not to speak in the name of Jesus, and let them go. Then they left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name.

Oh, that God, who is rich in mercies, might grant us the will to suffer for the sake of the gospel, whether in the world or in our own homes.

I hope to give some practical help for dealing with suffering in future posts.

Theology Matters - The Doctrine of Suffering

2007-07-17T22:56:00.000-05:00

Getting back to the theology matters subject, I have been pondering how to say something that I have seen be a constant problem with families we have counseled. The problem is that they lack any doctrine of suffering. When life becomes difficult their first response is to run away giving up on the child that they have so recently adopted. Having found that, instead of a grateful child willing to obey because of the great sacrifice these parents have made, they have been given a sinful, angry child, they respond with something similar to “God surely wouldn’t want us to be this unhappy, would he?”

As I considered this I ran across the following quote from John Piper’s The Hidden Smile of God. He says well much of what I have want to say.
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The Christian Life is Hill Difficulty

Bunyan’s life and labor call us to live like Pilgrim on the way to the Celestial City. His suffering and his story summon us, in the prosperous and pleasure-addicted West, to see Christian life in a radically different way than we ordinarily do. There is a great gulf between the Christianity that wrestles with whether to worship at the cost of imprisonment and death, and the Christianity that wrestles with whether the kids should play soccer on Sunday morning. The full title of The Pilgrim’s Progress shows the essence of the pilgrim path: “The Pilgrim’s Progress from this World, to that Which is to Come: Delivered under the Similitude of a Dream wherein Is Discovered, the Manner of His Setting out, his Dangerous Journey, and Safe Arrival at the Desired Country.” For Bunyan in fact and fiction, the Christian life is a “Dangerous Journey.”

The narrow way leads from the Wicket Gate to the Hill Difficulty.

The narrow way lay right up the hill, and the name of the going up the side of the hill is called Difficulty. Christian now went to the Spring, and drank thereof, to refresh himself (Isaiah 49:10), and then began to go up the Hill, saying,

The Hill, though high, I covet to ascend,
The Difficulty will not me offend;
For I perceive the Way to life lies here.
Come, pluck the Heart, let’s neither faint nor fear;
Better, though difficult, the Right Way go,
Than wrong, though easy, where the End is Woe

This is the Christian life for Bunyan – experienced in prison and explained in parables. But we modern, western Christians have some to see safety and ease as a right. We move away from bad neighborhood. We leave hard relationships. We don’t go to dangerous unreached people groups.

Bunyan beckons us to listen to Jesus and his apostles again. Jesus never called us to a life of safety, nor even to a fair fight. “Lambs in the midst of wolves” is the way he describes or sending (Luke 10:3). “If they have called the head of the house Beelzebul, how much more will they malign the members of his household!” (Matthew10:25). “He who loves his lifes loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal” (John 12:25). “Whoever of you does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:33, RSV).

The apostle Paul continues the same call: “Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God” (Acts 14:22). We are “heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him” (Romans 8:17). We should not be “moved by … afflictions ... [since] this it to be our lot” (1 Thessalonians 3:3 RSV). Faith and suffering are two great gifts of God: “To you it has been granted for Christ’s sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake” (Philippians 1:29). The apostle Peter confirms the theme: “Do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for the testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you” (1 Peter 4:12). It isn’t strange. It’s normal. That is the message of The Pilgrim’s Progress. The Hill Difficulty is the only path to heaven. There is no other. Suffering is as normal as a father disciplining a son. That is how the writer to the Hebrews describes the suffering of the saints: “God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons” (Hebrews 12:7-8). The pattern is rooted in the Old Testament itself. So the psalmist says, “Many are the afflictions of the righteous” (Psalm 34:19; see Galatians 4:29).

Oh, how we need Bunyan! We are soft and thin-skinned. We are worldly; we fit far too well into our God-ignoring culture. We are fearful and anxious and easily discouraged. We have taken our eyes off the Celestial City and the deep pleasures of knowing God and denying ourselves the lesser things that titillate for a moment but then shrink our capacities for great joy. Bunyan’s Seasonable Counsel for us is: Take up your cross daily and follow Jesus. “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it” (Matthew 16:25).
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In light of the sufferings of those Christians who have gone before, and in the light of the sufferings of Our Savior on our behalf, O that God would grant us mercy because we do not want to suffer on the behalf of a child.

Addenda: Also check out this post on Pyromaniacs

The Heart of Anger - book review

2007-07-17T21:34:00.000-05:00

Probably the book we recommend most to parents of older adopted children is _The Heart of Anger_, by Lou Priolo. Although not written specifically for parents of internationally adopted children, it is an excellent resource for helping deal with what is often one of the biggest issues with these kids - anger - using biblical principles. Basic communications will need to exist between parent and child in order for the suggested methods to be used, but Mr. Priolo also includes a section in the appendix regarding how to apply these to non verbal children. In his example the child is a two year old, but older children who are learning the language could be reached with a similar approach.

_The Heart of Anger_ is guaranteed to step on your toes, but don't let that stop you from reading it! From the beginning, parents are instructed to examine their own lives (take the log out of their own eye) before tackling the problems their children are having (taking the speck out of their eye). There is a list of 25 ways that parents provoke their children to wrath and if anyone can read that and say honestly that they do not fall prey to some of those temptations, I will be very surprised! A number of them surely hit home with me...

Chapter 5 is a very excellently written description of "Practicing Biblical Communication". He addresses all kinds of situations parents might find themselves in with their kids (ungracious speech, disrespect, interruptions, not communicating, name calling, judging motives, raising the voice, rolling the eyes, manipulation, sulking/pouting, an angry countenance, and inattentiveness) and suggests biblical ways of responding. This entire book is filled with one practical application after another, all of them quite realistic and appropriate to the subject matter.

Journaling is a major way that the author suggests to help your child work through their anger issues, and the heart issues that prompt that anger. Sample journals are provided and copying privileges granted. We have used these journals with some of our own kids and they can be very helpful in difficult situations.

The chapters dealing with manipulation by children are particularly good, and appropriate for our subject of dealing with older adopted children. As most parents of these children soon come to realize, they are absolute masters of manipulation, having learned many of these techniques as a means of survival in their earlier environment. My favorite quote from this book is in Chapter 9, titled "Disrespect and Manipulation". Priolo states, "Again remember, that your child may have practiced his manipulative ways so long, that at any given moment he may not be aware of what his desires really are. Your job is to help him see what they are and that they are selfish and sinful." Ha! Is this not life with the older adopted child, in a nutshell?

In the end, this book offers more excellent suggestions of how to deal with these problems on a day to day basis (i.e., the Think Room) and outlines a process that your child can use for appealing decisions he/she feels may have been made without all of the necessary information. Again, Priolo provides much biblical basis for this appeal process. I was actually quite surprised at all of the appeals he pointed out that were made in the Bible!

This book is an absolute "must-have" for parents of older adopted children, and strongly suggested for all parents, regardless of the backgrounds of their children. Lou Priolo does an excellent job of using biblical principles to guide parents as they deal with this very difficult subject. He also does not shy away from pointing out the need for them to first examine their own lives, which I greatly appreciate.

This book can be purchased from Amazon or from Grace and Truth books (see link on sidebar). Buy an extra copy, because you will find yourself recommending it to others and most likely giving your own copy away, as we have done numerous times!

"Undoing the Wrong"

2007-07-15T16:17:00.000-05:00

This is a question that was asked on an email group we moderated a couple of years back, along with Bob's answers and Ramona's practical applications:

Would any of your like to put a little flesh to the quote I've read from Ramona in discussing sin, "We first have to untrain the wrong before we can train the right behavior." That makes sense to me, but I want to SEE it in action.

Bob's answer:

Let me say first that it is probably better to say "at the same time"rather than first. Let me give you a passage from God's Word.

Eph 4:20-32 But you have not so learned Christ, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore, putting away lying, "Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor," for we are members of one another. "Be angry, and do not sin": do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor,working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give him who has need. Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

The Biblical principle expressed in this passage is one of putting off and putting on. We are to put off the old man and put on the new. This passage has several examples. We need to do more than just not sin, but we need to actively put on righteousness. The one above that is perhaps best for your question is the one of stealing. If you steal, you are to stop stealing. But more than that, you are to labor so that you will have something to give to others. We are to replace the sin of stealing, with hard work and giving to others. Put off stealing, put on hard work and giving.

The problem with older adopted children is that they have often been taught either actively or through neglect that it is OK to steal. So we must teach them to not steal and to replace that with hard work and giving to others.With a biological child you have a clean slate (as much as any sinful human being can be considered clean without Christ). However, from a habit standpoint they are a clean slate. They can be trained with good habits from the beginning. With older children they have already had training with wrong behaviors and have developed habits with these behaviors. This important to remember as you deal with them, because they have been taught previously that it is OK to steal. If you do not remember this, you will become frustrated with the slow progress. We have to remember that they have twice as far to go, since they are unlearning at the same time they are learning.

Further, some children have a personality that naturally resists change and finally add that the tendency of children to believe that the way they were taught first is the "right" way, and it may take even longer. One of the things we constantly heard from the teenagers we adopted was"but in Russia we did..." If I had a nickle for every time one of them said that, I would be a rich man. As an example, we are still working on the notion that Stalin was not one of the good guys. Sigh. Some of what they learned is hard to get rid of.

Another example is with one of our kids, who was taught through experience that the "truth" is the answer that the person asking the question wants to hear. It took me some time to realize that he had no concept of what it means to tell the truth. To him, the right answer is the one that keeps him out of trouble, not the one that represents what actually happened. I think after five years he is finally understanding that, but he still has a hard time telling the truth when there is the fear of consequences looming. This is a hard one to deal with because often the object of the lie is a transgression that demands its own consequences. I guess my main point would be that it is not as much a matter of there being a process of untraining as that you need to realize that it will take longer because you are trying to break old bad habits at the same time you are training new ones.

Also, let me say that I assume that while you are training them toward outward conformance, you are also working on the heart issues. Teaching them God's law, so that they recognize their sinfulness, recognize their need for a Savior, and turn to Christ. In the end, all you will have without a heart that has been changed by the Lord is a well trained Pharisee.

Hope this helps. Maybe Ramona will chime in as she is usually better atthe concrete side of things.

Bob

OK, concrete examples. This is my department. I am always demanding (gently, of course), "Give me practical examples!!" So, I will try to illustrate this with some of my own.

One of our kids used to look at me with what I called "dagger eyes", right after we brought him home, any time I would confront him or try to correct him. Finally, our communications got good enough where I would say to him, "The way you are looking at me right now is wrong. Your eyes are saying bad things to me. You need to look at me in a nicer way." He really didn't seem to be aware of what he was doing, but when I told him, he was able to change his look to a much better one. After he practiced that a while, with me having to tell him each time, he no longer gave me those dagger eyes (well, with a few exceptions, of course).

One daughter used to be one way with us (nice and sweet) and then turn into a whole different person when she was behind "closed doors" in her bedroom. This nasty behavior had to stop. First, it needed to be identified, though. So, I would hide behind doors and peek through cracks in order to "catch her" while she was in the middle of it. Right then, I would go to her and say, "THIS is what I want you to stop doing - how you are acting right now." Then, I would show her how she needed to act instead. It took a long time of doing this, and we still have struggles with this, five years later, but for the most part it helped her unlearn the wrong ways and learn the right ways to act.

One of our sons was about 4 years old when he went to the orphanage. He did not know how to eat from a plate, with utensils. Those bad ways of eating had to be unlearned, at the same time as he learned the "new" way of eating - like a civilized person.

Lying is a hard one, I must admit, since it is difficult at times to document the lie and show them the correct way. The key for us seems to be to find times when they are definitely lying, and we can prove it. Then we explain why we know that the child lied and how they could have better handled the situation. Our deaf daughter has a problem communicating - she wants to talk in grunts and monosyllables. I have to slow her down and make her talk right. She needs to unlearn the bad way of talking and learn how to better communicate, on a daily basis.

Blessings
Ramona

(Note - It is interesting to read these posts, three years later. I assure you that we are still working on many of these behaviors with our older adopted children. It is a life long process, not a goal to be conquered and then put behind you.)

Theology Matters

2007-07-03T12:26:00.000-05:00

As we go back to a new beginning I want to address some foundational issues. We have many times talked to individuals who were struggling with their child that they had adopted. In these cases we have identified three primary reasons why they struggle:

A lack of knowledge. With a child that you have had from birth you have as complete a knowledge of the child as is possible with finite human beings. You know their genetics, their family history, their culture, and life experiences. With an older adopted child this is seldom true. While the results of this lack can be frustrating. Time, patience, study, and listening to the child will eventually solve most of these problems.

An unregenerate heart. Many of the problems we have dealt with have been the result of an unregenerate heart on the part of the parents. Unbelieving, they are simply unwilling to ask "what does God say about this issue" and then obey. Sadly, these are often individuals who profess the name of Christ. The answer in this case is the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Bad theology. This is the one I hope to address in these series of post. John Frame says in his The Doctrine of the Knowledge of God that theology is “the application of the Word of God by persons to all areas of life.” As such theology is the place where the Word of God intersects with life. A failure to understand God's Word or a failure to rightly apply it means trouble for the individual. If someone buys an appliance in the store and ignores the warnings in the user's manual, he can expect problems to result. How much more so the individual who lives life ignoring the designer and His revelation of how life is to be lived in relation to Him.

In the upcoming articles I hope to identify some of the bad theology we have seen, and demonstrate how it shapes the struggles in ours and others' lives. Of course, in keeping with the purpose of this blog, we will focus on the adoption of older foreign children.

Till then

By His Grace,

Bob

Back to the Beginning

2007-07-01T15:09:00.000-05:00

Along the lines of what this blog was originally intended for, I am going to post a letter from a troubled mother of an older adopted child and then my reply to her. All personal information has been removed from both of these.

Mother's letter:

Now for our problem. We adopted from China lastJanuary, and our daughter turned 14 in July. We knew that the bonding process would take a long time, and that it takes a whole lot longer for a teenager to adapt to a new culture, but we did not expect everyone to be so miserable almost a year later. Our daughter exhibits many (almost all) of the signs and symptoms of RAD. We have been spared the rages and for that we are grateful. But we have a child who seems unable to function in a family setting. Although she spent her first 11 years with a family (not her birthfamily) apparently she was allowed to rule the roost. She will not follow our rules (and trust me, we only have a few), she constantly talks back, she has alienated her brother and, for a time, was abusive to our younger son. (When confronted about this, she simply smiled) I will not leave her alone with him now, and although I know she did it out of extreme jealousy and it may never happen again, I cannot forgive her nor trust her with him. She is jealous of all our other kids, even the grown ones. As long as we are not asking her to do something, or turning down a demand of hers, she can be pleasant. But Friday night, after an hour long, calm (for once) discussion about treating us and others with respect, and how much happier she would be(and all of us) if she would try to be nicer to everyone (therefore causing everyone to be nicer to her), and we thought we had finally made some progress she announces that we were the ones who needed to change. It would be too hard to be nice and follow the rules. We were the ones who were wrong. She did not have to do what we said. She could continue to refuse to eat, refuse to go to bed, or basically refuse to do anything unless she wanted to do it. We are exhausted. The whole family is unhappy. We have taken away her internet (messaging total strangers and visiting very inappropriate websites),and pulled her from the school athletic team because of her behavior. No changes. She attends a private school and although she excels in math, she has no real interest in any other subjects. She audited school last spring,and was enrolled in her age appropriate grade this fall. Major mistake. She really needs to be homeschooled, but that is not an option for us. She misses the other girls in the orphanage, and the closeness they shared, but we have boys at home. We need some guidance! Any suggestions, comments or ideas? We are so tired of the fighting. The other morning we sat at the dining room table for 4 hours because she refused to drink her milk. We have raised kids to adulthood, but dealing with her is more painful than anything the others ever did or are doing now. Help.

Here was my reply:

Wow, it sounds like you have some real challenges before you! I would be happy to help, if I can. My husband and I have had the privilege of helping a few families who are struggling like you are, and I sure hope we can help you, too. Hearing your daughter's history, I am not surprised that you are having the problems you are with her. Not at all. It sounds like she may have been in a "family", but didn't have the family structure that we accept as normal here in the US. God's plan for families is for the adults to be in charge and the children to learn from them and respect them. Any other form of a family is a dismal failure, as her's ultimately was in China. It sounds like there was no discipline whatsoever. You are basically dealing with a 14 year old girl who never learned that actions have consequences, when she was a toddler. She never had the advantage of being taught respect for adults as a two year old. You have to go way back with her, to the point where she missed the basic facts of how adults and children must act towards each other.

My husband and I have what appears to be a unique opinion of RAD behaviors. This long, long list of behaviors that post institutionalized children may exhibit are sinful (wrong) behaviors that they have picked up during their life and have not been trained otherwise on, and they need to be dealt with as such. When a child does something wrong, they must have consequences for it, right? It sounds like you are already doing this, but you may need some help, encouragement and suggestions. As I read over the list of RAD behaviors, I see many things that our bio kids do that are on the lists! It is just when you put all of these things together on a list targeted towards a specific group of children (adopted) and then put a label on it that things can get dangerous. Parents and professionals alike may tend to let the kids get away with these behaviors due to the fact that they have been through so much, or because they are adopted, or due to a myriad of other reasons. The fact is though - these kids need to UNlearn those behaviors! They need to be trained to behave and obey their parents. This is particularly hard with older children who did not learn respect for adults when they were young. Many institutionalized children never even interacted with adults, much less learn how to respect and honor them. These teenagers, or preteens, must be taught and trained, (lovingly and firmly) as a two year old would!

One note on actual attachment issues - those are not necessarily the same as RAD. Certainly, these kids who have been in an institution may have great challenges in bonding with a family. That should not at all be surprising. We, as parents, should keep realistic expectations of these children and not expect more out of them than they are able to give. Even some bio kids are more affectionate than others. Perhaps we should not expect a child adopted at an older age to ever be emotionally like a child we nurtured from birth. That is a much different relationship. This does not mean that we cannot have a GOOD, LOVING, and HEALTHY relationship with that child - but we just need to keep a very open mind and see what the child is emotionally capable of.

OK, if you are like me, you are wanting some practical applications now!! I certainly understand that, as I am a very concrete person. Well, basically you need to choose a particular area or two to work on with her and then buckle down to concentrate on that and put other problems on the back burner for now. "Choose your battles," as we say around here. Find something that you and she both know she CAN DO, so that she cannot use the excuse of, "It's too hard - I can't do it." One thing that might work is to require her to say "Yes Ma'am and Yes Sir" to you when you tell her to do something. That is a habit for our kids now, and they don't even think about it. She CAN do something like that, if she can speak English, right? You could also insist that she pick up her clothes, or put them away, or put her plate in the sink when she is finished, turn lights off when she leaves a room, etc. The goal is to establish a habit of obedience and to avoid big issues at first. This will also help to establish your authority over her, though, a bit at a time. As the Bible says, "Precept upon precept" (one thing at a time, building on the thing before). Work on perfecting your calm "game face" when doling out the consequences. "Oh, I am so sorry that you chose to not do that, honey. Remember those consequences we talked about? Well, now I have to enforce them," (with a smile on your face). DON'T negotiate with her. Your terms have been set already (you stated what the consequences would be for particular behaviors) and you must follow through with them. She WILL test you over and over again, to see if you are serious and if you will be consistent. This will take up much of your time for a good while, but it is imperative that you get it done now and not wait until she gets even worse.

Also, carefully consider what things are important to her, so that you can start your strategy of taking them away from her, as consequences for her misbehavior. Does she get an allowance? Charge her a quarter for every time when she does not say it. Does she watch television? Take away a certain number of minutes per day for every misbehavior. Make sure that she knows ahead of time what the consequences will be if she does not obey you in the area that you choose. Then, FOLLOW THROUGH EVERY SINGLE TIME. Every time. Did I mention that you need to do that every time? :-) In a calm manner, state that she will now have the consequences that you have chosen, whatever they are. You may need to keep a chart or do something that she can see the privileges being actually taken away (or money out of a bank, etc). Now, be prepared for additional misbehaviors in other areas while you are doing this. Do not try to deal with them all, though. It will overwhelm you and you cannot do it. This is why you need to choose your battles carefully - make sure you choose the ones that really matter but are not the huge issues that you aren't ready to touch yet. Try to not get upset when she misbehaves in other ways. You can state calmly to her, "We will work on that misbehavior later." That way, she will know that you are not letting her "get by with it".

Also, let your older son know what you are doing, since he may be the brunt of some of her additional misbehaviors. You mentioned that you do not have many rules in your home. You may want to consider making some new ones. Kids need the structure of rules, whether they realize (or admit) it or not. There was once an experiment done at an elementary school where they took the fence away. All of the kids huddled together in the middle of the playground, afraid to venture too far out. However, once they put the fence back up, the kids felt free to wander all the way around the playground, within the safe boundaries of the fence! Go figure!

You might also want to give her a list of the few items you are going to expect absolute obedience on, and another list of things she has a choice on, so that she won't feel overwhelmed. She will still have some opportunities to assert herself, but on the other hand she will be learning to obey as she goes along. Once she gets those few items of obedience down pat, then move on to other things. A good illustration is the training of a horse. They must first learn to wear a bit in their mouth. This takes a good while. After they get used to that, then they get one more piece of equipment for a while. Then another. Then another. Then, they start to get trained for riding. BUT, that is not done all at once, because the horse would be a bucking bronco and completely unmanageable!! (I don't consider kids and animals to be on the same level at all, but I do like to use animals for illustrative purposes at times.)

One more thing. You mentioned food issues. Kids (especially girls) are great at making the table a battleground. Parents are so afraid that kids will starve - I must admit that I have this same weakness. However, it is highly unlikely that they will. It would take many days of going without any food at all for a child to starve. Many, many days. They might get weak and green around the gills, but that could be a good lesson for them. If she starts to balk at eating what you set before her, then cheerfully say, "Oh, I am so sorry you are choosing to not eat this. I will put it in the refrigerator for you and you can eat it at the next meal!" Then, do it. Do not let her eat anything at all in between meals. This may mean taking all snacks out of your house, if she insists on making this a big deal, so that she cannot sneak in at nighttime and eat. You may have to bring this unsightly plate back meal after meal after meal, but if she gets hungry enough, she WILL eat it, so that she can go on and eat something else. It sounds like you have the perseverance for this, since you made her sit four hours one time when she didn't want to drink her milk.

OK, really one more thing this time. Our kids have really been easy. I give the glory to God, fully and completely, but I know that one way God used was to convince us to keep them at home for a time, away from their peers. We were able to deal with any and all behavioral issues at home, rather than on the school battlefield. It helped for us to be able to work on them all day, and not just in the evenings and on weekends. So many families that we see spend as much time UNdoing the negative effects of peer pressure as we do training our kids each day, and they have not even gotten started with the training time! I know you say that homeschooling is not an option for you right now, but in the long run it might end up saving you time? That is something you have to decide on your own, though. It is a very personal decision, just like most parenting decisions are.

Well, I will let you digest this for now. I tend to ramble and get carried away, so forgive me if I have done that now! Please ask me more questions, too. I do best when I have specific questions to address. Our own personal guide book for parenting is the Bible, and all of our advice is given with a prayer and the hopes that it lines up with God's Word in every way. I will be praying for you and looking forward to hearing back from you!

End of reply.

copyright, 2007

A New Start

2007-06-30T22:16:00.000-05:00

We started this blog a couple of years ago, with the thought in mind of using it to help parents who were struggling with their older adopted children. Well, at least that was my husband's purpose. I stubbornly wanted to hold out and put our thoughts into a well written book format, but somehow that has just not happened. God has not provided the time or energy for that to take place. And, I am certain there is a lesson for me to learn here. I think it starts with the letter "s" and ends with "ubmission". Gulp.

So, I have moved my most recent posts to a new blog, where I can post my own personal updates, musings, and meditations as the Lord leads. I will attempt to return this blog to its original purpose - to post articles which may help parents who need help with their adopted children. Some personal posts will remain on here, in order to allow others a peak into our little family.

If you would like to visit my new blog, please go to http://www.lightinearthenvessels.blogspot.com/ I have copied my most recent posts on that blog, although I regret that I could not move the comments over.

Write on!!

DBS Operation Update

2007-05-08T15:59:00.000-05:00

These are the before and after photos of me getting a mohawk before my first surgery. Naomi has thought she might want to be a hairdresser someday, so I gave her an opportunity to cut my hair before it was buzzed off. When the girls started playing around with a mohawk, I told them to just leave it like that, since they would shave the middle in the OR anyway. The surgery personnel got a kick out of it, too. The girls who helped were Naomi, Anna, Irina, and Kathryn.

Sorry I have not posted an update regarding the surgeries and recovery. The second surgery went pretty much the same as the first, although I did insist on more anesthesia when they placed the frame on my head that time! They also thought they got a good electrode placement that time, and the test stimulation in the OR went well.

The third surgery was the placement of the battery packs and it was an outpatient procedure. Like I thought, it has been quite a bit more painful than the first two surgeries, though. Two new incisions were made on my head so they could get to the wires (and they shaved more of my newly grown fuzzy hair!) and it looks like they kind of poked holes down the sides of my head as they guided the wires down to the battery packs.

The batteries were placed in my chest, just below my collarbones. I ended up with a large bruise on one side for some unknown reason, and that side is also a bit more uncomfortable to date. The incision sites are sore and I also have a hard time turning my head due to the wires leading down to the batteries. I am hoping that is something that will resolve itself as time goes on.

I have an appointment next Tuesday, May 15, to have the stitches and staples removed. They will also turn the batteries on that day and begin the programming of the stimulators. It will take a while (possibly weeks to months) to reach the optimum settings, but I hope to at least have some indication of how well it will work that day.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support. We have been overwhelmed with all of the help we received from our local church family. What a blessing they are to us!

And, in conclusion, I will share the wisdom we have gained from this experience:

It is not really a good idea to have a wedding and three surgeries within a time span of less than three weeks. (By God's grace we have managed quite well, but given the choice, we would have spread things out a bit more!).

Surgery Not As Expected, But Successful

2007-04-19T21:18:00.000-05:00

Thank you all so much for your prayers for my DBS surgery. God was merciful in answering them!

Yesterday's DBS surgery did not go exactly as expected, but it would still be considered "successful." Any who know us will not be at all surprised by that, of course. ;-)

The stereotactic frame placement was more painful than I had expected and the drilling was quite a bit more intense than the "dentist's drill" it was said to resemble, but once we got past those two items, things began to move along.

It took a while to do the brain mapping, but they finally found what seemed to be a good spot. (It was very interesting listening to neurosurgeons talk among themselves...) They were quite excited to make such a good placement and when they turned on the electrical stimulation to try the electrode, the right side of my body actually stopped twitching and jerking! I was suddenly able to touch my finger to my thumb in rapid succession, rather than in a jerking fashion as I had done before! To say I was very happy would be a bit of an understatement.

However, sometime during the surgery I lost some spinal fluid. This can cause the brain to shift positions, although I am not clear on whether it actually did or not. Because of this loss of spinal fluid, they chose to stop the surgery at that point, in case the brain had shifted from where they had already measured and marked it to be.

I was pretty disappointed by this turn of events, but asked if they could do the battery placement at the same time as the second electrode placement. The neurosurgeon said he would consider that possibility, but when he came to see me in the NICU he said they had decided to do two more surgeries due to the increased possibility of infection with having the two surgeries at the same time.

So, the surgery was successful, although I will be having two more surgeries rather than just one. This has always been part of God's plan, though, and I submit my will to His. I had a number of opportunities to share information about our family and why we chose to make room for all of these kids, so perhaps God is not finished with that, yet.

Mr. and Mrs. Micah Smyth!!

2007-04-16T16:02:00.000-05:00

And we now present to you, the new Mr. and Mrs. Micah Smyth!! Jennifer and Micah were married in a family ceremony Saturday, April 14, in Madison, AL. A reception, provided by and for friends, followed the ceremony.

After an overnight trip to Guntersville, they hurried home to Michigan to start furnishing and arranging their new apartment together. ;-)

We would like to extend grateful thanks to everyone who has prayed for Micah and Jennifer as they prepared for their wedding and marriage. Your continued prayers would be greatly appreciated, as they now start their new lives together.

Newspaper Article

2007-04-05T17:55:00.000-05:00

Here is a link to the article on our family that appeared in today's Huntsville Times.

We were quite pleased with how Yvonne was allowed to keep God in the story, especially considering that our local newspaper does tend to be a bit liberal. ;-)

Blessings
Ramona

The Story Behind the Story

2007-03-29T19:07:00.000-05:00

Never a dull moment around here, truly. Today we were scheduled to be interviewed for a newspaper article. The reporter, who also happens to be a friend of mine, was exactly on time and we promptly sat down so she could start on the very long story of our little family.

In the beginning, we were going to only be part of an article on international adoption, but when the editor saw our family photo, well... Let's just say he changed his mind. We are hoping now that it doesn't have to become a series in order to get everything in! ;-)

Since Kathryn was going to work early, we wanted her to have the opportunity to be interviewed first, but Yvonne first wanted to get "a bit" of background information. About the time I was telling her what it was like to adopt Vanya and Irina, Anna came upstairs with a panicked look on her face (very unusual for Anna). I asked her what was wrong and she told me that something was very wrong with Charlie. She said he was lying down and couldn't move his legs and or get up or anything. Having been through numerous "crises" that weren't, I was calmly trying to determine the seriousness of this particular situation. A small voice from across the room (Yvonne) said, "Uh, maybe we should go check on him." I agreed and we all began to make our way downstairs. On the way down, Yvonne asked, "Should we call 911?!!" It then occurred to me that she did not realize that Charlie was our Black Lab!! She thought he was one of our kids! Oh my. I hurriedly reassured her that Charlie was a dog and not a boy, but we continued to rush downstairs to check on him.

By this time, Trey had informed us that Charlie had stopped breathing, although once we got there he was conscious and breathing. He was indeed having serious problems, though, so I tried to comfort him while determining what was going on. Kathryn had heard a loud noise in the garage, where Charlie was, and when she opened the door he came barreling into the hallway, causing her to hurt her hand on the door. He was in a state of panic at that point from whatever was going on, and fell down on the floor without being able to move.

We decided that Charlie needed to go to the vet right away so I called Tessa at work to tell her we were on the way (she works at an animal hospital). Yvonne climbed in the van with Charlie, Trey, Anna, and I and we made our way to the animal hospital. I was able to fill in a few more details along the way, although I am not sure how much sense I made.

Charlie was doing somewhat better by this time, although he was still quite dazed. Tessa met us and we were taken into an examination room to wait for the vet to examine Charlie. Yvonne got a chance to interview Tessa this way, as she would not have even spoken to her otherwise since Tessa was to be at work while the interview was taking place. Sitting in the examination room, I was able to fill in the details through the end of Jennifer, Sergei, and Zhenya's adoption before the doctor came in to talk to us.

In the end, and $152 later (including Tessa's employee discount), it was determined that Charlie must have had a seizure of some kind. We were informed of the nature of seizures and what to do if it happened again. They will still run various blood tests to rule out other illnesses, but we can hope that this will be an isolated incident.

Once back at home, the interview finally got into full swing, with Bob and more of the kids being involved. Honestly, if Yvonne manages to put her notes together into an accurate and newsworthy article, she will be a miracle worker!

I suppose Yvonne at least got to see how our family does work together in a crisis. It has been our prayer from the beginning that this would be a God honoring article and I am certain that He worked things so that she could witness that cooperation between siblings.

She commented a couple of times that this would be an interview that she would not soon forget and, at least once in there, I heard the words that have become our family mantra, "But I've never done it this way before!!" No, friend, neither have we. Each day is a new beginning!

Edited to add:
I get it now. Once again, God's plan was different from mine and His was perfect. I had things all worked out in my mind regarding how I would tell Yvonne "our story". There were certain areas I wanted to emphasize and comments I wanted to make. I had thought to show her Sergei's photos, Tessa's published poem, print off a copy of our 2001 adoption story, etc... But that was not how it was to happen. Rather than hearing me blabber the whole time, she needed to see our family at work. Forgive me, Lord, for thinking I had everything under perfect control! And, thank you for sparing our dear, sweet Charlie.

Tessa is Published!

2007-03-21T15:09:00.000-05:00

Tessa is officially a published author, now! If you go to http://www.lulu.com/content/751064 you will actually see her name listed among the authors of the new issue of _The Sword Review_. She will be receiving a contributor's copy, but the rest of us will have to pay to read her work. ;-) OK, well, I admit that I DID read it as part of her school work, so I guess that is not completely true.

Hopefully this will be only the first of many writings she has published over the coming years.

End of an Era

2007-03-14T16:38:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I sold our big blue van. As we first thought about selling it, I felt like I would be losing a friend. I so enjoyed the days when we would all pile into that van and go somewhere together as a family. We would sometimes take day trips to a zoo or go to the nature trail on Green Mountain. Having everyone together like that, safe and secure, was so sweet to me. I knew the day would soon come when they all started going their own ways.

Well, those days are here. It is rare that we all go one place together anymore. No one has recently asked us if we are a school group on a field trip. I have to admit that I enjoyed being able to respond to some of the questions we got when we were out together, too. It was like a game to us, coming up with fun replies to those questions.

The blue van now belongs to a small church just down the road. We can see it every time we drive by. Our lives are changing and I must accept that. I love seeing the young adults that our children are growing into and I will treasure the memories of the fun times we had in that van.

I do have to admit that I am enjoying being able to pull into a regular sized parking space these days, though, in our mini van. I don't even have to worry about pulling out from the front so that I won't run over someone! There ARE advantages to driving smaller vehicles, too. ;-)

Words of Wisdom

2007-03-05T16:52:00.000-06:00

I recieved an email from a friend regarding the news of my upcoming surgery. Her response was the most wonderful one I have gotten yet and I would like to share it with everyone in the world:

"My dear sweet friend...what NEWS! Deep Brain Stimulation. Where do I sign up?

I need this! My brain is asleep and cannot comprehend the love of God for me...that He died, so I might live. That daily he gives Grace to live that day and get over all the days that were previous to this one. I cannot comprehend what it ment to send His Son here, and fiddle around with us, to get us on the right path. Maybe Deep Brain Stimulation would wake a sleeping sluggish soul..."

I simply cannot add to that. To God be the glory, great things He has done!

Committee's Decision

2007-03-02T21:54:00.000-06:00

I finally heard from the surgery nurse today and she said the committee had indeed recommended me as a good candidate for the DBS surgery. I am still chuckling over the neuropsych testing, though. Today she said, "You could not have had any more flying colors on your neuropsych test." Imagine that. A "crazy" mother of 11 wowing the doctors on a neuropsych test! Sorry folks, but that is hilarious. I have spent so much time having doctors tell me I was just "stressed and depressed," and now that I finally get a neuropsych test done they are all shaking their heads over it in amazement. I think it was all of that "stressful" homeschooling that helped me ace their testing so well, actually. ;-)

I did ask some questions that were specific to UAB and this particular surgery, for us to consider over the weekend. The neurosurgeon who does this type of surgery has been doing it since 1997 and he currently does 3-4 unilateral surgeries per week, for Parkinson's and Essential Tremor. The Dystonia surgery is a bilateral one, however. They have actually only done four other dystonia patients, but have had good results in them all.

I had requested that the surgery be after Jennifer and Micah's wedding, so they were able to accomodate that...barely. If we choose to accept the date, they have it scheduled for April 18, which is four days after the wedding. We will think about this over the weekend and call them with our decision on Monday.

The risk of complications with this surgery is quite low - only about 1% - and the potential for improvement is around 50% - 75%, with some dystonia patients reporting up to a 90% improvement. Success is not guaranteed and perhaps the greatest risk is having the surgery and it not changing things at all, though.

Thankfully, my hope remains in the Lord and not the doctors. I trust Him for guidance and wisdom as we continue to pray over this decision. At this point it looks like we will decide to go forward with the surgery. Please pray with us that God will be glorified throughout the entire process, if we do make this decision in favor of the surgery.

The Vehicle Shuffle

2007-03-02T21:42:00.000-06:00

Our normally busy life has gone on overload the past few days/couple of weeks. In addition to the wedding and surgery stuff, we have been doing a vehicle shuffle. It is kind of like musical chairs, but with vehicles rather than chairs. Since we have two large vehicles that we are paying teenage driver rates on but none of our teenagers could drive them comfortably, we decided to make some changes. The first thing we did was buy a small car for the girls to drive - a Dodge Neon (wow, that looks so easy when I write it down, but the hunting, researching, and calling was a huge chore). They love it and so does Zhenya. (He actually wants to buy it from us.)

Then, we decided to put our large truck up for sale, but waited until the end of Ollie's two week jury duty stint to place it on the lot. The day I parked it, I also found a good deal on a mini van, which is what we were planning on replacing the truck with. We bought it last weekend and it has very quickly become MY favorite! My brother is considering buying our large, 15 passenger van, if his church is interested in buying it from him.

Today we sold the truck. Since the guy we bought the mini van from has another one he wants to sell, I called him to let him know we were interested in it (to replace the big van). Are you keeping up? I hope so, because I am lost. I will have to go out to the driveway to see what vehicles we actually end up with tomorrow.

Oh, and Sergei had an accident last night. He was OK, but his car was not. We thought it might have been totaled, but our cousin who also happens to be a mechanic says he can get it running again for around $500. Add that to a $200 towing and storage fee and Sergei is learning to not follow cars so closely on dark rainy nights.

And we are signing up for AAA.

Tessa and Sandy

2007-02-28T20:23:00.000-06:00

No real story here. I just love this photo that I took today of Tessa and Sandy. Tessa is working at an animal hospital and it turns out that her love for dogs is mutual. Some dogs that no one else is able to work with are putty in her hands.

Surgery Evaluations

2007-02-21T21:30:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Bob and I traveled to Birmingham for the evaluations required in connection with the Deep Brain Stimulation surgery. It was a very long day and tiring day, so we were happy to come home and be treated to a supper of pizza (supplied by Charlotte Campbell, who stayed with the kids during the day) and sushi (made by Jennifer). OK, so maybe we have eclectic meals at times. Keeps things interesting! ;-)

The neuropsych testing was scheduled to last 4-5 hours, but we were finished after about three hours. I was beginning to think they were not going to believe my answers on their questionnaires (mood type questions - I answered them all with a zero, indicating that I had no problems with that part of my life), but Bob backed me up in his interview. They also were quite impressed with my cognitive scores, apparently, which lent credence to my psychological answers. At one point the technician mumbled something along the lines of, "I have never had to go this far before," (in regards to the memory portion of the test). I am certifiably sane now!

My brain was pretty scrambled after the hours of testing, so we had a lunch break before heading for the brain MRI. I told the technicians that the MRI noises made my dystonia worse, but they didn't seem too concerned. I put in my own ear plugs and used their headphones on top of those, but the noises still caused very intense dystonic spasms. Although it was a relatively short MRI (15 minutes), I was in tears and unable to walk by the time it was finished. At one point during the test the technician came and asked me if I was having a seizure, but I told her it was the dystonia. I guess they understood what I was talking about then...

There was a woman in the waiting room who was waiting for her MRI when I went in to have mine done. Her eyes got pretty big when she saw the shape I was in after mine, though! I tried to assure her that it really wasn't THAT bad, but she looked a bit dubious as they led her back.

The DBS surgery nurse came to talk to us and she videotaped me while I was having the intense spasms. I apologized for being so "bad", but she seemed excited at all of the dystonic activity. She said that the worse I was, the more likely the committee would be to recommend the surgery.

Before she left, she let us know that the committee is meeting next week and she would call me and let me know their decision. She seemed certain that they will consider me a "good candidate" and then the final decision will be left up to me.

I have learned much about this surgery over the past couple of weeks, but have not come to a final decision regarding whether or not to go ahead with it if the committee considers me a good candidate or not. Prayers for wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Jennifer's Home from Michigan...At Least for Now

2007-02-09T13:35:00.000-06:00

Jennifer returned home from Michigan on Tuesday, having had a wonderful two weeks with Micah and his family. This photo was taken at a waterfall which was near his house. The family took a walk to see it and Jennifer took lots of beautiful photos there.

They are planning an April wedding now - just a small family gathering at the chapel on Green Mountain. Hopefully we can have a reception at church the following Sunday, but that is not a certainty at this point.

A heartfelt thanks to those who have been praying for Jennifer and Micah. God's grace has been wonderful to behold. We very much look forward to having Micah has an official son in law, although he is already that in our hearts.

An "I" Examination

2007-01-30T11:54:00.000-06:00

Not long ago my ophthalmologist examined my eyes and sent me home with a prescription for glasses. Now it seems that I may need an "I" examination, also.

Yesterday, the Movement Disorder Specialist that I go to in Birmingham told me he was going to recommend me for Deep Brain Stimulation surgery for my dystonia. This totally took me by surprise, although I knew it could be an option "down the road". I am the type of person who likes to have my days and weeks nicely planned and this was NOT in my schedule (it requires a long evaluation period plus lots of medical tests prior to surgery and much afer surgery care). I also like to do my own medical research and this was not one of the options I had researched and thought he might mention. Hmmm, maybe that is why he gets the big bucks rather than me?

What were my thoughts on the way home? Mostly along the lines of, "I don't want this surgery, I don't want to have to make these trips time after time after time, I am scared to have someone drill into my head, I don't want to have my head shaved, etc." Of course there were also thoughts like, "What if they don't consider me a good candidate for this surgery, what if insurance won't cover the costs, what if the surgery does not relieve the symptoms..." Are you getting the picture here? Way too many "I's" and "what if's", right? According to my wonderfully wise mother in law, I now need an "I" examination.

The doc pretty much blindsided me with his declaration, but he was not responsible for my reaction. I was. It was not a God honoring one, either. This is one reason that I went immediately to those folks who I know would be willing to pray for me, to ask them to pray for strength and wisdom. Of course I also prayed to my Lord and Savior, as I needed much of His wonderful grace at that time. I talked to my husband, who is always willing to help me see things from a biblical perspective, and then I had a good night's sleep.

God's mercies are indeed new every morning. So, did I wake up today ready and raring to go with the evaluation process?!! Uhhh, I am afraid not. This will certainly be a journey and I pray that God will teach me along the way, allowing me to grow closer to Him with each step.

So, as I begin this new journey, I pray that God will show me how He can be glorified through me or those around me. I have to admit that at first I drew a total blank on this topic. Then, as sleep began to heal my tired body and mind, I was able to part the clouds of doubt and frustration and begin to see some ways. Here are a few that have come to mind today. First of all, I need to share my journey with others, including the joys, trials, and lessons I learn along the way. If I allow others to see my weaknesses, then God can show them His strength. (II Corin. 12:9-10)

Secondly, if I do need to shave my head I will recognize that it is the inner person which God looks at and not outward adornment (I Peter 3:3). I have decided to not cut my hair until the surgery (if indeed it is done) and then allow the kids to help me shave my hair and send it to Locks of Love. This will not be easy, but by the grace of God I could do it.

Thirdly, I will be open to God's will. That is easy to say, but can be so very hard to put into practice. What if this treatment is not chosen or does not work and then I am left with the problems I have now, perhaps multiplied many times? Oops, that was a "what if", wasn't it? God doesn't need to hear those, as He has a plan. It is a matter of me submitting to His will, whether it is pleasant and fun or not. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

Lastly, I can assure you that I will falter, probably on a daily basis. I will confess those faults and go on, not allowing them to deter me from following Christ. I will remove the "I's" from my vocabulary by having "I" surgery along with brain surgery. Even if the brain surgery does not happen, the "I" surgery is still essential to my health and spiritual well being. By the grace of God...

Birthday Photos

2007-01-27T20:21:00.000-06:00

Ahhhh, success! I started off with my photo at the top and actually figured out how to change that. Aren't you impressed? Well, you should be, if you aren't. I am not the computer geek in the family - it is definitely my hubby.

These are the three that celebrated birthdays yesterday (Irina - 17, Zhenya, 18 and Shawn, 11). And the photo of me shows what happens when you celebrate three birthdays in one day! By the way, Bunny Tracks ice cream is really yummy. You gotta' try it.

January Birthdays

2007-01-12T10:58:00.000-06:00

I said that I would post some things the kids had written around Christmas, but I never got around to it. I do still have those items, though, and maybe one of these days will find the time to post them.

However, time goes on and now we are close to our January birthdays. Three of our kids have birthdays this month and that is an interesting story in and of itself. Shawn was born on January 27, so we were delighted when we began the process of adopting Irina and discovered that her birthday was two days before his, on January 25! However, we were quite amazed a couple of years later when we started the adoption of Jennifer, Sergei, and Zhenya and we realized that Zhenya's birthday was right in the middle of theirs, on January 26th! Somehow it made me feel like God was smiling at us, helping us realize that He had our family planned long before we did.

This year, Shawn will be 11, Irina will be 17 and Zhenya will be 18. How time flies! I would like to share something that Zhenya wrote about his 18th birthday:

January 26th is going to be my birthday, and I'm going to be eighteen years old, which is cool and all that, you know.

In most states, I think eighteen is when people are adults, but in Alabama it's nineteen so I kind of want to turn eighteen and kind of don't.

The reason I don't want to turn eighteen is that I kind of don't want to grow up. You know, part of me still wishes that I could be a kid and go play with those Lego action figures and toy things that little kids do.

But on the other hand, I kind of want to turn eighteen because I'm going from a teenager to being more like an adult.

I'm thankful to God for letting me live this long, because we don't know how long we have to be on this earth. (Editor's note: If you knew some of the things they did in Russia, you would realize the humor in this comment.)

Five years ago, I didn't know that I was going to turn eighteen in the United States with all the things that I have and with the family that loves me and takes care of me.

(End)

As a mother, I very much enjoy reading the writing that our kids do for their schoolwork, especially when they share things like this from their hearts. Zhenya's honesty regarding his hesitations about becoming an adult were particularly refreshing to read. During their adoption, Zhenya had serious concerns about living in the US and had to be talked into allowing the adoption process to continue. We are so very glad that God worked in his heart so that he would agree to being a part of our family!

A Blessed Christmas

2006-12-25T15:12:00.000-06:00

This has indeed been a blessed Christmas season for our family, and perhaps the last one we will all spend together (Ollie was not here, but all of the kids were).

Yesterday our pastor quoted someone who posed the question, "Where would we be without Jesus Christ?" The answers were along the lines of cultural and societal differences and they were certainly massive considerations. However, Bob posed the same question to our family, on a more personal level.

But for the love of Jesus Christ, we would probably be a family of three, with one very spoiled biological child. Not that this would be Tessa's fault, though. Rather, we would not have been good parents if we lacked the love, patience and perserverance which comes through tbe love of our Lord. We would not have adopted any children from Russia, nor from the disruptions, if the love of Jesus was not in our hearts. Without the love of Him, our lives would be lived selfishly and that would most likely not include having a dozen kids in our home!

Of course, this subject can even begin to be a selfish one, as we tend to think how not having Jesus would affect our own lives. It is because of Him that we can live to serve others and not ourselves.

On another note, this is also a season of beginnings for some in our family. One of our favorite gifts came from a daughter who has been with us for three years, yet has not been able to bring herself to call us Mom and Dad. Due to prior heart commitments she made in this area which were broken by the adults in her life, she found it very difficult to say those words that had previously broken her heart.

God has done amazing works in this child's heart recently and it has been joyous to watch and participate in. She wrote letters to Bob and I and asked that we open them last, after all of the other gifts. In these letters, she thanked us for all of the love we had given her and asked us to forgive her for not always being the best daughter in the world. She also stated that her Christmas gift to us will be to call us Mom and Dad from now on. God has given her the courage to make this commitment once again and we are eternally grateful to Him! Indeed, she came to us this morning to thank us for the stocking stuffers and her exact words were, "Thanks Mom and Dad!"

To top it all off, another child wrote us a note thanking us for our love and promising to be more forthcoming with expressions of love to us. When I hugged her and wished her a Merry Christmas this morning she returned the comment with an "I love you!" What more could a parent want than to see their children walking with the Lord?

I hope you all have a blessed and merry Christmas season!

Christmas Dinner Menu

2006-12-20T20:02:00.000-06:00

Here is something I posted on our MyFamily.com website:

OK, all of this talk about food brings me to our Christmas Dinner menu. It may make Ollie shudder, but remember - she will be in Maryland! As we were talking about the biblical meaning of Christmas one evening, I pointed out that feasting indeed had a biblical basis and asked the kids what they would like for our Christmas dinner. Here is what we have come up with so far:

Ham (my choice)
Cranberry sauce (an overall fave)
Hashbrown Casserole (requested by Kathryn and Zhenya)
Green Beans (Shawn)
Oriental Salad (Irina is making this)
Hot and Sour Soup (Kathryn)
Kim Chi (Naomi and Bob)
Rolls (Me)

Dessert -
Russian pancakes (Jennifer is making these)
MS Mud Cake (Bob)
Pumpkin Pie (Tessa)
Other suggestions that we may or may not take - Angel food cake with Strawberries (Shawn), NY Cheesecake (Kathryn) and Oreo Cookie Dessert (Trey)

There is a bit of a story behind the Kim Chi. It is made locally and sold at an Asian Market by a Korean woman who speaks limited English. I was there earlier this week looking for the Thai peppers Naomi needed for spring rolls and I bought some of her Kim Chi. She kept pointing to one jar and saying something like, "Squee," over and over. I thought she was saying "squid" but that just didn't seem to make sense to me. So, I acted like I knew what I was doing and made the purchase.

Today I returned to buy our Christmas Kim Chi. I asked her the difference between the two kinds and she started saying the same thing. Thankfully, another customer knew what she was saying, though, and told me that the large jar was made with fish sauce. Apparently that Kim Chi did indeed have squid in it, along with oysters and other fishy foods. I bought the gallon jar of that and the smaller jar of vegetarian Kim Chi for Nikki. It goes fast around here - the last batch was gone in only a couple of days!

Ahhhh, culinary diversity....

December Birthday Celebrations

2006-12-17T15:05:00.000-06:00

Jennifer and I had the privilege of celebrating our birthdays together today. She will be 20 on Tuesday and I was 45 yesterday. With our hectic schedules, today was the only day we could find when everyone was home at the same time.

Christmas Poem

2006-12-06T19:35:00.000-06:00

Bright green wreaths
Deck the halls
With their shining splendor
Little silver bells
Toll in curious wonder
Once upon a Christmas.

Deep red bows
Grace the table
Bringing Christmas cheer
The vines of lights
Say joy is here
Once upon a Christmas.

Little starry eyes
Bright with wonder
A hand is reaching out
It touches gifts
Moving all about
Once upon a Christmas.

Yet long ago
On one dark night
Sat shepherds with their sheep
They looked up
And saw the angels
Once upon a Christmas

A little babe
Of lowly heart
Was lying in a manger
He came to save
Us from God's anger
Once upon a Christmas.

He comes again
Thought near or far
Or now the time may be
He comes to save
And set all free
Once upon a Savior.

By Tessa Edwards, Christmas 2006

Tessa, age almost 16, continues to enjoy honing her writing skills. She has recently started a part time job at an animal hospital also, which suits her quite well. In or around Feburary she will most likely be getting her driver's license, which she is very much looking forward to. Mom wonders, "Where in the world have the last 16 years gone?!!"

Three Whole Different Lives

2006-12-06T19:16:00.000-06:00

I suppose not many folks are still checking in here, since it has been so long since we have posted! Sorry about that - life just keeps happening. ;-) I did want to post this short essay that Anna wrote for school, though. She has changed so much in the past three years - all for the better. Her middle name rings true these days - Joy! Here is what she wrote:

I had three whole different lives. My first was eight years of orphanage life. My second was three years of misery. And my third is a forever life.

While living in the orphanage my mind was lost. I didn't know anything except anger, attitudes, selfishness and that I was in an orphanage. Actually, it felt more like jail.

My second life was in a family that had good and bad people. I got along with three and got in fights with the other three. I was stuck in the middle. I, of course, constantly got in trouble. I knew more things and I started knowing God, but not enough.

And, my third life is a forever life. There's no more anger, I suppose. Honestly, I feel more freedom and relaxation in my third life. I am also meeting a bunch of kids. Of course I still get in fights and all. And I also know much more about God. This God gave me three whole different lives. He gave me those lives for a purpose. I was in an orphanage, then He gave me a family that didn't work, so He gave me a different family so that I can hear more about Him. How great! It's a puzzle.

Anna is 14 years old and has been our daughter for three years. We have seen her mature a great deal and she has recently come to know the Lord as her Savior! She is currently writing her testimony to share with our church when she is baptized.

She asked me if the word "forever"was the correct word to use in regards to being in our family and I assured her that she would indeed forever be a part of our family while we are on this earth, even after she becomes an adult and leaves home.

Her hunger for things of the Lord is so refreshing and exciting. She strives to truly understand what she reads in her Bible each day and how she can apply it in her own life.

2006-10-15T20:07:00.000-05:00

A new picture of the family.

Throwing Caution to the Wind

2006-10-01T14:29:00.000-05:00

This morning when I got up, my spasms were much worse than they usually are in the mornings. Since I was obviously going to have to do something about it, Bob told me to go ahead and take the morning dose of my new medication, rather than waiting until tomorrow to start it.

I did, and the spasms stopped exactly twenty minutes later! It was just like a switch was flipped - they stopped almost that suddenly, and were real close to being completely gone. For the first time in over a year, I sat in Sunday School with my hands casually relaxed in my lap and my eyes focused on the speaker (Just imagine - that trip to Philly could have been avoided if I had tried this medication earlier...It sure was a fun trip, though). My head did not bob up and down, so I made sure to let the pastor know that didn't mean I suddenly stopped agreeing with him, though. ;-) It was simply amazing and a huge blessing to be in church the first morning I tried this medication in the morning (God's timing, of course).

The medication wore off at precisely 3 hours, 40 minutes after I took it, but those were some precious moments and now I know there IS a treatment.

Please pray that I will be able to handle the side effects of the medication (need to make sure that the chest pains I had were gastro related, for one thing...) and that this may help the doctors narrow down the specific type of dystonia I have. I will be taking this medication at least four times per day and I will always have "off" times, but this is sure a lot more relief than I have had in the past!

I am hereby no longer "cautiously optimistic". I throw caution to the wind and praise to the Lord!

Cautious Optimism

2006-09-27T16:17:00.000-05:00

After a year and a half of increasing and continual muscle spasms, we may have found a medication that can help, and some answers along with it. As the title says, I am cautious about this optimism, because there are so many "if's" that go along with it.

One type of dystonia is Dopamine Responsive Dystonia (http://www.dystonia-foundation.org/defined/dopa.asp), and it is usually initially discovered with a trial of levodopa. I have had three doses of this medication so far and each time I took it the spasms stopped within only a few minutes. It was totally amazing! It is like a pain medication, though, in that it wears off in about four hours and you need another dosage.

My doctor is starting me out slowly, which is a smart thing. The dose I take right now is at bedtime, to give my body a chance to get used to it. Next week I will start a morning dose, and will need to clear my morning schedule, since it does seem to make me pretty "crazy" (woozy-like). I am hoping it is one of those side effects that wears off once your body becomes acclimated to the medication, since I will eventually be taking it four times a day.

I did have a point at which I wondered if I was allergic to the medication, too. I had all of the signs of an allergic reaction, except it did not get so bad that I couldn't breath, thankfully. I have liquid antihistamine handy now, in case it happens again.

The spasms return promptly once the medication wears off (usually a bit less than four hours) and today they are pretty bad. I think that is due to a lot of running around, though, and I hope to rest the remaining part of the day.

On another good note, Ollie had cataract surgery today and we were amazed at how easily it went! She is so eager to have good vision again and what a wonderful age it is we live in, when God has equipped doctors to be able to return a person's sight at the age of 81!

Changes...

2006-09-23T20:15:00.000-05:00

God is the same, yesterday, today and forever. Yet, His creation is ever changing. Just last night I stood outside, looking at some awesome clouds. There were many layers - some moving slowing, some quickly, some so low they almost touched the trees and some so high the jet stream flattened the tops. As the sun began to set, the colors on the clouds were incredible. I could not bear to take my eyes away, as they changed before my eyes. The deep pinks were my favorite, even as they were tinged in blue around the edges.

As the colors dulled, I resumed my job of pulling up Cosmos stalks whose season had ended. I would shake the dirt from their roots and then lay them all in a pile, thinking how their time of beauty was over. They served us well, growing tall and blooming in my desired hues of pinks and purples, but their time was up. Now they would become dirt, which is no less a wonderful part of God's plan.

God teaches me best when I am surrounded by His creation. As He showed me the changes that take place every second, minute, hour, day, week, and year in His handiwork, I began to think back on the teenage challenges I had faced this week. I was discouraged and sad, due to some deception I had uncovered. Changes are coming, but that is God's way.

He is our Rock - unmoving and steady. It is His way to make creatures who are continually changing, though. Perhaps change is one of His ways of teaching us. I like to be comfortable, but I have to admit that I don't learn as well in my recliner as I do in my yard, looking at clouds and pulling Cosmos stalks. To God be the glory!

Five Short Years Later...

2006-09-05T17:09:00.000-05:00

Five year anniversary stories will be abounding this month, but nonetheless I would like to share ours. It is a testimony to God's grace in our own lives and the lives of three orphans, formerly from Russia.

About a year and a half after our first Russian adoptions we were asked to pray for another sibling group who desperately needed a loving family to adopt them. They were in Blagoveschensk, the same city we had adopted Vanya and Irina from in 1999, and their chances of being adopted were extremely slim due to their ages and the fact that there were three of them. We joined others in praying for these three and were soon excited to hear that a young couple in our own home town had decided to adopt them.

There were questions regarding this adoption from the beginning, however. The couple was quite young and would need to raise the money for the adoption as they went along. Since we lived close to them, we got to know them and we helped them learn about the Russian culture and how to prepare adoption paperwork.

Part of the way through the adoption it was discovered that the wife was pregnant. Her delivery date was likely to be close to the time they would need to travel for the adoption, so they decided to stop the adoption process. Once again, these three children were left without any prospects for a family.

They were 12, 13 and 14 years old and without parents. They were also halfway around the world from us. Our hearts were torn as we looked at the few photos we had, day after day. They were so small for their ages, so thin, so sad looking.

Gently, slowly, God began to nudge our hearts. Oh no! Not US! Certainly God did not mean that WE were to adopt these children. We already had five children at home and felt that our plates were full. But the burden remained, growing heavier day by day. Finally, we agreed to take our vacation time to talk and pray about the possibility of adopting these children. Our family of seven was taking a long road trip from Tulsa, OK to Washington DC, so we would have plenty of time for that.

The more we prayed, the more God convicted. The burden was finally rolled away when we joyfully made the decision to go forward with the adoption. Many thought we were crazy, many just shook their heads in disbelief. God’s people stood beside us, though, as we began this long and arduous journey, to bring three more children home.

International adoptions are known for the tons of required paperwork, delays, and uncertainty and this one was no exception. We hoped to travel in springtime, but summer came with no court date.

Then, we hit more of a snag than either government could throw at us. Bob was informed that the company he worked for was closing their Tulsa office. A pink slip, a lost job with none others in sight. An economy spiraling downward, with no apparent hope of recovery. Depression set in as newspapers were searched, phone calls were made, internet resumes were posted. Why would God bring us this far, this close to these children, and then pull us apart? Our agency director was informed of the situation and asked to not remind our Russian facilitator that we were waiting on a court date.

One Friday morning in early September she called, though. Somehow, despite all odds and obstacles, a court date had been assigned to us in a Russian court. Within the week we were to be on Russian soil, meeting our new children! What joy! What pain! No Russian judge in his right mind would award us custody of three teenage children, with no visible means of supporting them.

A phone call to our church to report this situation was greeted by the booming and cheerful voice of a good friend. “Oh, I can’t WAIT to see how God is going to work THIS one out!” he gushed. Had this not been a phone call, it is regretful to think what sinful actions might have transpired.

Faith faltered for a moment, but the hope of our Lord never dimmed. Humanly impossible tasks are where He shines and this was no exception to that rule. A phone call made to a friend and previous work connection in Alabama provided a new job within an hour of receiving the phone call with the news of a court date! No interview required, no trips necessary to work out details – just a job offer with an open start date. Oh yes, and a generous salary adjustment to go along with the new job. Only thing was, the job was in a different state. Well, one thing at a time…

We joyfully and frantically began to prepare for a trip around the world, leaving in less than a week. Plans were made to leave our current children with family and friends. Travel arrangements were made. We were to leave Tulsa early on a Thursday morning that September.

Grandma came to help with the kids, so that preparations would go smoother. Dad was able to be home to help, too, since there was no job to report to each morning. So, on that Tuesday morning, the entire family was at home when another phone call came. This one was not at all joyful, however. It was filled with pain and foreboding.

A friend knew that we did not watch television in our home, so he called us with the news. The date was September 11, 2001. We were to leave for Russia in two days, but the world was falling apart instead. Our eyes were suddenly transfixed to the television that we seldom watched. Children looked from face to face, trying to understand. There were no answers, though, only questions.

As we sat numb and frozen, a Federal Express truck drove up to our house. The delivery man was quick to tell us how “lucky” we were to receive these packages, as he was on the way back to the office and no more deliveries were to be made that day. Inside these envelopes were the last of our travel papers (visas, employment letter, etc), everything we needed for our adoption process. God was still in control.

Since airports all over the world were being closed for the first time in history, I became one of the millions of passengers who clogged the phone lines trying to reschedule our flights. I never could figure out how anyone got through, but the lines were continually busy over the next few days.

In the midst of mourning along with the rest of the country, I began to feel guilty as I wondered how this horrendous act of terrorism was going to affect our own lives. After seeing God miraculously provide a job for Bob only an hour after getting our court date, we could not doubt His ability to provide a way for us to get to Russia, though.

The airports began to schedule reopenings and I was finally able to get through to our airline. They booked us on one of the very first planes out of Tulsa on the Friday after 9-11. Family members were incredulous when they discovered we were indeed going to board a plane and fly to Russia so close on the heels of the terrorist acts. It must have appeared a terribly unwise step for us to take, but we knew we had to get our children home and that God would prepare the way for us.

Our flight took us to Chicago, where we were to board an Aeroflot flight to Moscow. However, we soon learned that no international flights were leaving Chicago at all. In fact, Aeroflot had diverted their plane to Canada when they heard about the attacks and then they flew it back to Moscow empty. That is absolutely unheard of in the airline industry (flying a plane overseas with no passengers). No one could tell us when we could expect to board a plane for Moscow so I once again became one of the callers who hounded the airline company phones.

As we wandered around the Chicago airport we found ourselves looking warily around us. Who among the others might be the next terrorist? It was difficult to not fall into unnecessary suspicions of those around us. One man of apparent Middle Eastern descent caused me to be uncomfortable, as he was traveling through the airport alone and with no luggage. The tram ride we took with him was very stressful for me, and I had to confess my sinful thoughts to the Lord who had carried us safely around the world only two short years before.

It became apparent that we were not to leave that day, so we began to consider what we should do as we waited for our flight out of Chicago. Finances were tight due to the adoption costs and the loss of a job, so we prepared to stay at the airport along with many of the other passengers. We stayed in continual contact with our church family and at that point someone stepped forward and asked if they could pay for our lodging while we were in Chicago. Our thankfulness was heartfelt as we accepted this offer and proceeded to find a hotel with a room available. A nearby mall provided meals and distractions for us as time ticked by ever so slowly and my ear stayed glued to the phone in our room.

Finally I was able once more to contact the airline company and our flight to Moscow was rescheduled. Doubts and fears were rampant, but we quickly gathered our belongings and returned to the airport. The lines were excruciatingly long and tedious and we were forced to rearrange much of our luggage due to new regulations.

In the back of our minds, we wondered how the Russian judge would react to us arriving in Russia much later than originally planned. He had insisted that we arrive ten days before our court date so that we could get to know the kids before we committed to being their parents. Five of those days had just been spent in a Chicago hotel, though, and we left the US not knowing if the judge would have mercy on us or not.

Our flight to Moscow was fully booked, with not one seat empty. Many of the passengers had spent the last five days in the airport and their faces told the stories of discomfort, frustration and fear. Once we left the United States, however, things seemed to go much more smoothly. We arrived safely in Moscow, spent the night in a hotel and left the next day for Blagoveschensk – a city in the far southeastern corner of Siberian Russia.

Upon our 3:00 am arrival in Blago, we were informed that the judge had indeed waived the ten day rule for us. We slept for a few hours and were then taken to the orphanage, to meet our children. Many of the orphanage staff had gathered to witness the meeting, along with the director of the Ministry of Education. In our state of extreme fatigue, we were asked question after question regarding our living conditions and parenting principles. They then asked us if we wanted to take the children to stay with us in the flat until our court date arrived. It was an unexpected question, but one we dared not say “no” to. How would it look for us to refuse to allow the kids to stay with us at that point in the adoption?! So, we agreed to take them with us and began the process of packing up their few belongings (most of which were previous gifts from us).

To our delight, we discovered that the children were extremely cooperative, kind, helpful and quiet. They cleaned up after themselves and whispered when they talked among themselves. We welcomed these traits, knowing in our hearts that they would be gone soon enough.

Our time was spent shopping and getting to know our soon-to-be children. Their generosity struck at my heart. Out of the first spending money we gave them, they bought gifts for us and continually shared everything they purchased with each other and us. They laughed when I discovered the camera I was using had no film in it and then again when I ran into the low hanging light fixture in the kitchen where we were staying over and over again. This memory brings a smile to their faces, even today.

Everywhere we went, the Russian people were compassionate towards us. In the open air market, vendors gave us discounts we did not ask for, simply because we were Americans and they felt badly for what had just happened in our country. The adoption process could not have gone any smoother than it did, much to our relief, and the children were soon declared to be ours according to a Russian court.

After what seemed like years, we left Siberia and began the return trip to the US. Our stay in Moscow was delightful, as we were able to show our new children parts of their country they had only dreamed of seeing. We continued to be fascinated by the compassion pouring out of the hearts of the Russian people. While we were riding on the subway with our translator, a Russian woman began talking to her and asking questions about us. When she reached her stop she gave a package she had been carrying to our translator and hurried on to her destination. Tatia would not talk about what the package held until we subsequently reached our own stop. At that point she told us that the woman had been so touched by the story of our adoption that she had given us a loaf of bread that she had been given for her own birthday. Anyone who knows even a little about the Russian culture knows how much they love their breads! And this one was an exceptional example of their fancy, sweet breads. It was made all the more sweet as we thanked God for this generous woman and prayed that He would bless her in return for the gift she shared with us.

We arrived in Tulsa safely, but physically and emotionally exhausted. Bob left three days later for Alabama, where he was to start his new job and look for housing for his newly expanded family. I was left at home with 7 children (one went to AL with him), three of whom did not speak English. We soon began the process of packing and trying to sell our house and I was delighted to discover what hard workers our new children were. (A number of years later, Zhenya told us that he had not known what was going on as we prepared to move. He did not realize we were moving to a different place until all of our household goods were loaded into a truck and we all got into our van and began the long drive to Alabama.)

Five years later….

The year now is 2006. It has been five years since we adopted those three teenagers in the shadow of the greatest terrorist acts our country has ever seen. They are now 17, 18 and 19 years old. Jennifer, the oldest, has come to know the Lord as her personal Savior and she is engaged to be married to a wonderful Christian young man. Sergei is an accomplished photographer, hoping to someday make a career out of this line of work. Zhenya is planning on attending college and becoming an architect. Both of them are working part time at a restaurant and searching for a used car to buy with the money they have earned.

Testimonies to God’s goodness and grace have risen from the terrorist ashes of September 11, 2001. Although many lost their lives that day, God blessed three young children from Russia by giving them new lives in a far away country and loving Christian home. The blessings have been many as we have watched these three grow over the last five years. Their time with us will be short, by design, but we would not have changed a moment of it.

Perspectives

2006-09-05T16:51:00.000-05:00

Below you will find stories written by the three teens we adopted that September of 2001. A story is best understood when looked at from differing perspectives. What stands out to me when I read the kids' stories is that they were basically unaware of the tragedy preceeding their adoptions.

I have made grammar and English corrections, but otherwise the stories are their own, told from their unique perspectives.

Jennifer's Five Year Anniversary Story

2006-09-05T16:42:00.000-05:00

I was fourteen years of age when I was adopted. Two years before my mom and dad came to adopt us, we had some American people come to our orphanage to help us learn how to make jewelry. I had a friend who was a Christian in Russia and her name was Tanya. There were two American women who came. Tanya and I were standing together and Tanya was talking to them. At that time I really wanted to be adopted and I asked those two women if they could adopt me and my brothers. They couldn’t, because one of them wasn’t married and the other didn’t have a husband any more so they couldn’t adopt us. After the Americans left, I would call Tanya every day and ask if she had someone that could adopt us. Then after a year passed, someone came to our orphanage to take pictures of us and I knew that maybe someone would adopt us, but I still called Tanya about every day.
It was the year two thousand one when we heard that someone would adopt us. That year we also got a big box of candy, note pads, and other things. I thought it was from the people who came to our orphanage once, but later I found out that our new parents and some other people put it together for us.
It was summer that year and we were at the summer camp for a month, when one of the workers at the orphanage came to me and said that our new parents would come in the summer, soon. After the camp, I was supposed to go on the boat for eighteen days, but a worker told me that I could not go, because what if they would come and they would have to chase after me. So I didn’t go. I was waiting till they came to us, but later I heard they would come in September. That time I really wanted to go on the boat, but I didn’t, because my brothers and I had to go to the hospital for a check up. They told me that I would not stay there for a long time and they would not give me any shots or do other things to me. But I stayed there for a while with my brothers and they did give us shots and pills.
Sergei, Zhenya and I had a really good friend, which I met in the hospital, but at a different one. She really liked us and took care of us. She would come to the hospital to see us and visit with us.
One day, I asked the doctor when I would leave the hospital, and she told me that I could leave any time, but first I had to call the orphanage to take me back. They told me that they didn’t have any transportation to bring me back. One day they took me back to the orphanage, but not my brothers. I asked them when they would come, but they didn’t know, either.
When my brothers came back, our secretary called us and told us to write a paper, saying that we all agreed to be adopted, but Zhenya didn’t want to be adopted and the secretary and I talked to him and told him that the life there would be better than he had then. I think he understood that and he agreed to write the paper. We also heard from some people that our new mom and dad would adopt us and to be slaves there or work on the farm, because they had so many kids.
We started back to school in September, and it was not that long till our new parents came to Russia to visit us. I think they came to Russia on September 25th, I think, and it was Friday. That day I wanted to go to someone’s house but I didn’t, because my parents came. I was outside, talking to my friend and I saw them come inside the orphanage, so I told my friend good bye and that I would see her Saturday at school. I went inside into my group and waited till they called us. First they were talking to our director, but later they called us, so we could meet our new parents. Our parents asked our director if they could take us with them and stay there for a while, so they could know us better. But the director told them that they need to write a paper to her, about letting us go with them and they did.
We were with them in the apartment. We stayed there over night and the next day we went shopping for clothes and we had fun together. We went to the Chinese market to buy some clothes. After that we went to a book store to look around, and our mom bought us ice cream and I asked her if she wanted some and I asked dad too. But they didn’t wanted, but it was all right with me that they didn’t want, because they wanted us to have fun.
On September 27th we went to the court, but before that a worker at the orphanage told me to cry in the court, because if we did then they would let us be adopted. We were at court and didn’t cry because I thought it wasn’t necessary to cry. The judge asked us why we wanted to be adopted and what got us interested in those people. I told them that they loved kids and they liked to take care of them. After they asked questions they asked us to go out of the court room for a while, till they decided if they wanted us to go to America. We were waiting and finally the door opened and one of the judges told us to go in and hug our new parents, so we did. That day I also gave my mom a necklace, which was a gift from my friend, but I didn’t care who it came from. I just wanted to give it to my new mom. The next day, we went to the orphanage to say good bye to our friends and workers who took care of us, then we went back to the apartment and packed our things to get ready to leave the next day.
The next day we were at the airport and ready to leave, but Tanya came and she gave us a big bag of Russian candies and she also made a game for us, which is called Pop It in America, but she made it with her own hands. We said good bye to Tanya and we started to go on the airplane. We flew to one city in Russia and waited for the airplane to come so we could travel to Moscow. We arrived in Moscow and we stayed there for a few days. We had a good time going to places and seeing things in Moscow. In my life I really wanted to visit Moscow but now my dream came true.
It was time for us to go. We were at the airport and in an airplane flying to America. Mom and I sat together and the boys sat with Dad. Mom would write me something on the paper in English and I would write in Russian. We also played games and did other things. We arrived in Chicago, Illinois. We went to sit down to wait for the airplane, and I saw other people lying or sitting on the floor at the airport and I thought it was really weird for them to do that. So I think somehow I asked mom what they were doing, and she told me it was their home, so they could do that.
The airplane came and we started to travel to Tulsa, Oklahoma. I asked my mom a lot of times if we were in Oklahoma yet and she told me not yet. I was impatient to come to our new home. We finally arrived. When we walked out from the airplane, we saw a lot of people there who came to meet us and see Mom and Dad come home with their new children. When we came home, were really shy at first. I was standing in the dining room, when I saw a big dog running toward me. I panicked, and I wanted them to take this dog away from me because I thought she will bite me because in Russia big dogs aren’t friendly. But later I found out that she would not bite and she was friendly, so I started to like dogs after I met Sandy, our dog.
I lived in Oklahoma for a month and a half and then we moved to Alabama. I still live in Alabama but in a different house. We moved into a bigger one, because we have more kids than before.
After four years or little bit more, my mom asked me questions about what kind of husband would I like and later she told me about Micah, who is right now my fiancée and we will marry some day. This September on the twenty seventh, my brothers and I will be adopted five years ago and on October second we arrived in America. I thank my Mom and Dad for giving me a good life and letting me know God and His son. Thank you so much, Mom and Dad for raising me in a good way and my brothers, too. If you didn’t adopt us maybe two of my brothers would be in jail by now if we were in Russia, but may be not Zhenya. And now I am getting married. I thought this day would not come, but when I came to America the years went faster for me than they did in Russia.

Sergei's Five Year Anniversary Story

2006-09-05T16:23:00.000-05:00

(Editor's Note - Sergei chose to write a series of smaller stories, some of which tell about life in the orphanages.)

When I was in Russia my dad died and we buried him. Once when I was in school the police came to school and took us, and we ended up in some kind of police kids place and when I was there they were mean people. They would make people read books even if they didn’t know how to read. When we went to eat, we had to go line up and go eat and that’s when we could go to the bathroom and outside. When someone behaved badly, they would lock them up in one of the rooms with concrete walls and a bucket in a corner to go to the bathroom. When we went to bed we all went into one room and they would lock up us and we couldn’t do anything.
After I had been there three months they transferred us to a different orphanage which was better than some kind of police orphanage. After we had been in the new orphanage for about a year my Russian mom came and got us again. Then a few months later the police came and brought us to the police orphanage and from that orphanage we were transferred to a different one. Then we were transferred to the Belagorsk orphanage and my older sister visited us.

When I was in a Belagorsk orphanage, we went to camps and did karate until they sent us to the Blagoveschensk orphanage. The reason we were sent to the Blagoveschensk orphanage was because our mom died of cancer. When I was in the Blagoveschensk orphanage we would go on eighteen day boat trips every year and go to camps in the summer.
When I was eleven I ended up with the wrong kind of friends. I started to use drugs and alcohol. Once me and my friend went picking marijuana and one of the men followed us but we didn’t know that he was a police officer. When we were done picking marijuana that man caught us and sent us to the police station. They questioned us about why we picked but we lied and said we were picking for someone else. Later, I heard they were talking about if we should go to jail but they said we were too young to go to jail, so they let us go but they kept the records of us that we had been involved with drugs.

When I was in the orphanage we usually did fun things in the summer, like go to a little place where there were good trees and start playing tree tag. What we would do is try to get away from one person while we were all on the tree and you couldn’t touch the ground. When we were stuck and it looked like we didn’t have anywhere to go, we usually would jump on different branches to run away from the person who was “it”.
Once when we were playing tree tag, one of my friends jumped on a different branch and he slipped and landed on his head from a fifteen feet height and he didn’t even break his neck but he did go unconscious for a while. When we picked him up and carried him back to the orphanage some people thought he was high on drugs. Then the doctor came and asked us what happened and we told the doctor, “When we were playing tree tag he fell on his head.” After a few days he felt good and he started playing tree tag again.

When I was in an orphanage, every year we had summer breaks and in the summer we would go on eighteen day boat trips. When we took eighteen day boat trips we would stop in different places to refuel and do some fish trading. While they did that, most of the people went around the city and bought things and we stopped in several cities like that. We also would stop on some kind of land where there were trees and a lot of sand and there were no people. When we stopped there we spent about two days on the sandy part. We would swim and do some contests like who could build the prettiest sand sculptures. Then we would do some competitions but since there was a lot of people we would usually separate all of the people into four groups.
We also fished there and once when we were fishing we caught a huge fish and the fish had eggs, so what we did with the eggs was turned them in to caviar.

When I heard me, Zhenya and Jennifer were going to be adopted I was excited. Then the director told me if we went to America they might use us as slaves and my friend told me they were going to break us like robots but I did not believe that.
Then we waited at least for a year, before Mom and Dad came. They put us in a hospital for no reason and when they did that we could not go outside so me and the guy I met there would go out from the hospital without asking because we knew that they would say no to us. The few days we were in the hospital I was thinking of going back to the orphanage but I decided to stay. Then Jennifer’s friend came to the hospital to visit her and she visited me and Zhenya. When she was visiting she smelled that we had smoked cigarettes and she had been saying to us for a while not to smoke cigarettes because they are bad for you.

Zhenya's Five Year Anniversary Story

2006-09-05T16:18:00.000-05:00

About five years ago I was in a children’s home. I was sitting in a room watching tv when my room teacher came and said that I needed to put my good clothing on and go to the director’s office. I didn’t know what that was all about, so I put my clothing on and went to the director’s office. The place where I stayed, if a director asks you to come to his office usually it’s when people did something bad. When I came in there with Veronika (aka, Jennifer) and Sergei, she told us to sit down. As we sat, she told us the reason we were there was that a person was going to come and take a picture of us for the people who were going to adopt us. After they took our pictures the director told us that we could go. Then a couple of months later the people sent us a present.
Winter passed and I forgot that someone was trying to adopt us. In the beginning of the summer, the director told us that we needed to go to her office again. She told us that we were going to be adopted in September and then she said that we needed to sign papers first to be adopted and she said to think about that before we signed the papers. When we told the other boys and teachers, they told us that Americans treat adopted kids really bad and they make them work on farms. One of the teachers said that the people that were adopting us were paying for us so that made me think that we were being sold and that made me not want to sign the papers.
Then a couple of weeks later we went to camp. When I came back I did sign those papers. In September, Mom and Dad came to the children’s home. First, we sat in the assistant director’s office and they talked with her. Then Mom and Dad took us to the store shopping. After shopping, we went to the apartment they were staying in. I think we spent the night there. Then we went back to the orphanage. Some date we went to the court and were approved for our adoptions. A couple of days later we went to the airport and traveled to some city. Then we traveled to Moscow where we stayed a couple of days. Then we came to America.
Now that I’m in the USA I see that I made the right choice on signing those papers and the stories that I’ve heard about Americans treating adopted kids bad is a lie. So, I’m really thankful that God brought me to this country.

Medical Update

2006-08-23T19:27:00.000-05:00

"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and rightousness..."

Actually, I have to confess that I have not done a good job of maintaining a steadfastness in the statement above. It is a daily struggle to not place my hope in the next bottle of medicine or doctor's appointment. I don't like having Dystonia and being a "jerk" all of the time. Whatever novelty there might have been in going from doctor to doctor for a diagnosis has long worn off (well, there wasn't much of it to start with). I continue to be thankful to God for bringing me to a good doctor who knows what my movement disorder is, though.

Yesterday I had a three month recheck with this doctor in Birmingham. The medication he gave me three months ago does not seem to have affected the spasms much at all. The side effects are bothersome (dry mouth and throat, short term memory loss, nausea, blurred vision) so I was quite happy to be taken off of it. Of course it will be replaced with a different medication for me to start once I am fully off of the old one. The two medications have a very different mechanism in how they affect the brain so it could be possible for one to help but not the other.

The doctor made it clear that IF this new medication helps it will not totally alleviate the spasms. At some level I knew that, but hearing it was kind of like a slap in the face. I am beginning to realize that I have been putting too much hope in the medications and not enough in the Lord. My goal has been to find a treatment that will take the spasms away rather than finding out how God can use me throughout this illness. Unless He chooses to bring this illness to an end, it will be with me the rest of my life. The intensity of the symptoms will likely ebb and flow, but it will probably never go away completely.

There are other medical options besides drugs, namely Botox treatments and Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS). The Botox is specific for certain areas and would probably be limited to the spasms in my head and neck, if we chose to try that treatment. DBS is like having a pacemaker in the brain and is used specifically for those with Generalized Dystonia as compared to having Dystonia in only one area of the body. I am not in a hurry to consider that as an option, since it involves surgery.

For now, I will continue to work with the medications - coming off of the old one and starting the new one. The doctor also said something that kind of surprised me. He said, "Don't go to the ER if the spasms get worse." I asked him why and he said that because the spasms are made worse by stressful situations, going to the ER is one of the worst things you can do for them. I had pretty much come to the same conclusion on my own and I told him how I currently deal with flare ups (go into a dark and quiet room and lie down, taking a Valium if necessary). He commented that this was a good way to handle it - that I should "take a chill pill." Ha! I loved that comment since I very often tell this to the kids, so I asked him if I could consider this to be an official medical term. ;-) From now on I can tell the kids that my doctor has told me to take a chill pill so, as Doctor Mom, I can tell them the same thing.

I really appreciate all of the prayers and concern many of you have blessed me with. The main challenge at this point continues to be with my legs and feet. The muscles freeze up when I walk, making me walk much slower than usual. It is a bother, but I am thankful to still have the ability to walk and drive.

I continue to be thankful for our recent Sunday School series on Biblical Contentment. Although I fail on a regular basis, these lessons will hopefully help me to regain my focus along the way.

Blessings
Ramona

2006-08-06T14:24:00.000-05:00

Jennifer and Micah

Our eldest daughter, Jennifer Grace, is engaged to be married to Micah Smyth from Michigan. Theirs has been what most folks would consider an unusual relationship, but few of you who are familiar with our family will be surprised at that. ;-) In order to respect their privacy I won't share a lot of details in a public arena like this. I will say that both of them were actually quite pleased when their moms played "matchmaker" for them. Rather than dating, they were looking for a lifelong mate, so they began the relationship learning as much as they could about each other and their differing lifestyles. They had discussed marriage before they even had a chance to meet each other face to face.

Micah is a wonderful and godly young man. We could not have hoped for a better husband for Jennifer than him. He is very strong in his faith and he comes from a Christian family. He works with his hands in a number of different areas - logging, building log homes, carpentry, farming, etc.

Prayers for these young folks would be greatly appreciated as they work on their relationship and plan for their future.

Same Story, Different Perspective

2006-07-31T11:43:00.000-05:00

I have always enjoyed hearing stories from more than one perspective, particularly if one or more of the stories come from our own children. Tessa, for instance, has a phenominal memory. When she talks about things that happened when she was a small child, it is fascinating for me to remember the same incident and compare her perceptions to mine. Time after time I have discovered that her reasons for doing a particular thing or acting in a specific way had very good reasoning behind them, although she did not have the communication skills at that age to explain herself.

Along those same lines, I would like to share one of our daughter's story of selling our house last week. My tendency is to get caught up in the emotions of a situation like that and not pay as close attention to our children as I should. Stated as simply and matter-of-fact as it is in this writing, I find myself feeling ashamed for having made such a huge deal of it and continually putting the kids off while I tried to deal with the challenges. Hindsight is indeed 20-20.

Here is the story, as written by Anna, age 14. I have left the essay exactly as she wrote it, as the mistakes tend to give it more of a sense of childlike wonder and innocence.

Selling Our House

Selling our house in Owens Cross Roads was hard on my mom. She spendid a lot of time on phones and we the kids had to be patient because we wanted to talk to her right away. Then one day she and grandma needed to go to New Hope which is past Owens Cross roads. So-next day she took some kids with her so she could drop them to our old neighborhood to visit the horses, Johnsons, and the place. While we vsiited the Johnsons grandma and She-She went to New Hope. When they came back She-She and Mrs. Comton waited for the termite guy. While we all waited we played with Mrs. Comton's pets and went through our house that they are trying to buy. The house looked OK execpt they chanced some things inside the house. We waited to long and got tired so we went back home. The next day She-She went back to Owens Cross Rds and the termite guy was there so he looked around the house under the house and they or he signed or did something with the paper sometimes at 11:something. Which in fact that paper needs to return to somewhere at 12:00. If not it is still our house. But She-She returned it in time and WALA we sold our house. It is the Comton's house. She-She went out to eat with couple of people to celebrate. I am happy that it went well.

Tessa's Writings

2006-07-21T10:30:00.000-05:00

Tessa has discovered a company that will allow her to post some of her writings on their website so that people can either download the files or order them to be printed. The site is http://www.lulu.com/ . From there you can type in Tessa's name in the search box and it will show you the two files she has on there already.

We welcome input on this site. Please let us know if the process works smoothly for you or not.

Back in AL

2006-07-19T21:54:00.000-05:00

This was the last photo taken of Naomi, Abby and Maddie, in Seattle. We ate at the same restaurant we had back in 2003 and it was fun reminiscing. Overall, neither Naomi or I can think of much of anything that could have made the trip more enjoyable. She had a wonderful time with Abby and Maddie and they seem to have enjoyed her, too. It was a true delight to meet all of their family and spend time with them.

As for me, I was overwhelmed with God's handiwork that was so prominent everywhere we went. From the Cascades to the Olympic mountains, to the rain forest on Vancouver Island to the huge open expanse of the water, to sunsets over Lake Washington watched from the Greene's deck. Oh, and the cool weather was a wonderful bonus, too! We sure wanted to bring that home as a souvenir, but somehow it would not fit in our suitcases. Mine was already overweight anyway...

Thanks so very much for all of the prayers on our behalf. God was so very gracious to allow us such a wonderful trip. Our travel went well and my dystonia did not flare up like I was afraid it might.

Of course, like happens with most every trip, it was good to be home with our family once again. The kids were "downloading" all of their stories and questions today, and I am sure there will be some to carry over to the next few days.

I tried to post more photos at a time, but it did not work. I will put them on Snapfish, so please let me know if you would like to look at them.

Again, thanks to each of you who were a big part of this trip, even if it was behind the scenes and on your knees.

Thankful for Hospitality

2006-07-19T19:31:00.000-05:00

Naomi and I made it home safely yesterday afternoon. I will post more on the trip later, but I wanted to share this email that I sent to some friends:

I was initially going to just email this to Dennis, but then I realized that it could be helpful to others, too. Three years ago my husband and I adopted Naomi from Seattle. Trying to keep the costs of the adoption reasonable, we asked Dennis if he knew of anyone that could help us get around in Seattle and perhaps recommend a good place to stay. (Since then, our motto has been, "Dennis knows someone everywhere!") Dennis gave us the names and phone numbers of a couple of pastors he knew in the area and we made contact with them. Rather than giving us local information, both of the pastors offered their own homes for us to stay in. We stayed with one pastor for a couple of nights and then realized the other one was much closer to Naomi's current residence (as it turned out he was not a pastor, but a member of the church congregation).

We then began what ended up as a three week stay with this wonderful family. They opened their hearts and home to us and we have been great friends since then. We communicate on a regular basis and Naomi and I just got back from a trip north to see her biological sisters. Once again we stayed with these folks for a while and it was just like a reunion for us. We have also done the same kind of thing with other families who came through contacts Dennis made.

Those folks remain good friends, also. One of the most delightful aspects of this kind of relationship is the impact it has on others, though. I have had a number of opportunities to talk to folks about Christian friends who love to share their home with brothers and sisters in Christ, whether they have met them previously or not. I was able to explain how these people were like family to us, through our common relationship with the Lord. My own parents have been puzzled more than once over how Dennis and Naomi and all of GBC open their homes to us when we travel back for a visit.

I am not sharing this with you to shine the spotlight on Dennis. Rather, I hope to encourage all of you to not be hesitant to share your own home with travelers and others, as you share God's love with them. Also, consider finding Christian friends in cities you plan to travel to and experience the joy of getting to know them once you arrive. When others seem incredulous about this arrangement, take that opportunity to talk about the bonds Christian brothers and sisters share. And be sure to ask Dennis, because he DOES know someone everywhere.

Saturday's Canadian Adventures

2006-07-15T19:21:00.000-05:00

Today's Canadian adventures involved taking a short ferry ride to a little island called Protection Island. I think the premise of the name is that it protects Vancouver Island from something (weather or enemies?). There is one restaurant on the island, called Dinghy Dock Restaurant. The restaurant was nice and we sat at tables on the dock. They had a little fishing hole for the kids, but none caught any. The food was good and we got to watch all of the comings and goings at the harbour.

Some of the interesting sea creatures we saw were starfish, (see photo above - they were even my favorite color - purple), some kind of mussels or something all over the docks and we even saw a jellyfish! I would have never recognized it as that, but one of Pam's daughters pointed it out. It was very small - probably only about three inches. It was in the middle of a school of small fish, trying to get a meal, but it was not successful.

We then walked just a bit on the island. It is a very unique place and folks do not have cars there. They use golf carts to get around, as it is a small island and there are no businesses allowed there except for that one restaurant. Knowing the price range of the homes there, I was quice surprised that the lawns were not manicured like they are in AL. It was quite pretty, actually.

I am now resting while Pam has taken Naomi and one of her daugthers to that unique store called....WalMart. We will start early tomorrow, as we will take the ferry back over to the mainland (over an hour and a half ride) then drive around Vancouver a bit. Pam has a friend close to Vancouver who wants to meet me, and I am also looking forward to meeting her. She and her husband have 25 kids at home, all of them adopted with special needs. I just can't figure out why she wants to meet me....

From there we will drive down to Seattle. Please pray that Naomi is able to get back into the US without any problems. Some people have had problems getting back in when they were not born in the US. I have lots of documents and a passport for her, so I can't imagine too many problems. I will spend the night with the Greenes and Naomi will stay with the Skeldings at a hotel. Then, our outing for Monday will be Chuck E Cheese, where we will have lunch and say goodbye to the Skeldings. That will be hard for Naomi, so please pray for her in this respect, too.

I am eager to get back home, but not looking forward to all of the travel. I am very thankful that my spasms have not gotten too bad while I am here and I pray that I won't crash physically when I get home.

Friday's Notes

2006-07-15T00:24:00.000-05:00

Today was another beautiful day on the island. We got a late start, as I spent some time showing our photos to the Skelding kids.

We had lunch and then went to see an art gallery/old church that Pam is in the process of buying. Ollie, you would have loved this place! It was built in 1912 and is of Scottish architecture. I took lots of photos and will download them tomorrow. It was lots of fun and I got to find out the name of some beautiful purple wildflowers in the meantime (snow peas, of all things!). Pam has promised to send me some seeds when the pods get ready. The gallery is close to a lake called Shawnigan Lake, so I thought of Shawn a lot while we were there.

After that, we drove down to Victoria (first photo above), which is the capital of BC and on the very southern tip of the island. It is a beautiful English-y town on the coast and we saw tons of wonderful homes and flowers. We saw a seal very briefly, but he went under water and we did not see him come back up anywhere.

There are lots and lots of deer here - blacktailed rather than whitetailed. This is an eagle mecca, although the only one I have seen so far was in Seattle. Oh, and the bunnies.... Bunnies, bunnies everywhere! Not just your ordinary run of the mill brown bunnies, though. They mostly look like domestic bunnies - blacks, whites, tans, and a few brown ones thrown in for good measure.

Naomi and the girls continue to enjoy each others. I think they were all kind of tired today, but they are still having lots of fun.

We don't have a lot planned for tomorrow. There is a small and remote island that we may ferry out to for lunch. No cars are allowed on the island - doesn't that sound quaint?

We are in the process of trying to plan the last few days. Pam has a good friend in Vancouver that wants to meet me and I would like to meet her, too. She also has a few more kids than "normal", all of them from African countries and all of them disabled. We could see her on the way back to Seattle, so we will plan that tomorrow.

I am missing everyone and looking forward to being home!

2006-07-14T18:59:00.000-05:00

The Sisters

2006-07-14T18:58:00.000-05:00

Sisters in the woods

2006-07-14T18:57:00.000-05:00

Welcome

Vancouver Island, BC

2006-07-13T20:17:00.000-05:00

Well, I am having problems getting photos on here. I will end up with either no photos or a dozen photos, but I will go ahead and give an update in the meantime.

Naomi and I arrived as planned in Seattle, meeting our friends, the Greenes at the airport. We had a chance to rest up a bit, then Betty took us driving around the area. Naomi wanted to go by her old house and we actually managed to find it. She said that a lot of things looked different, though. We went to a lake near her old home where she used to spend a lot of time, too.

I had not realized how much travel was involved in actually getting to Vancouver Island from Seattle! We left Seattle at 9:30am in order to catch the 3:15 ferry. The ferry ride was two hours long and very nice. We saw Pam, Abby and Maddie waiting for us at the terminal and Naomi started running towards them. Of course this brought tears to my eyes, as the reunion was so very sweet. I am hoping the photo I took them ends up on this post.

We were greeted by the Skelding kids holding up a welcome sign at their home and lots of smiles. They live in a rural area, on ten acres with two of them waterfront property. Their house is very interesting, with 16 bedrooms. They recently bought the top portion of a house on the mainland and had it moved to their property. It has been wonderfully connected to the original house, bringing their sqare footage into the 6000's.

Today we went to a tourist area in Coombs, shopping at a store that had a grass roof with goats living on top of it. From there we went to a heavily forested area, very similar to a rain forest. The beauty was breathtaking. After that we ate at a restaurant on the beach and then came home.

Naomi has greatly enjoyed being with her sisters again. They are inseparable at this point. They have grown a lot in the last three years, of course, and they are darling girls. The other kids are also a lot of fun to play with. They are a few kids crazier than we are, as they have 16 at home.

I am very thankful to be doing OK so far physically. Thank you so much for your prayers.

This is an absolutely beautiful area and I hope to share more photos with you later.

Trip update

2006-07-12T20:03:00.000-05:00

Ramona and Naomi arrived safely in Seattle. The plan for today is for them to take the ferry to Canada and meet Naomi's sisters. They will spend most of their stay there. We miss them already.

The Long Awaited Trip

2006-07-07T18:11:00.000-05:00

This coming Tuesday, July 11, Naomi and I are embarking upon the trip she has been waiting for and working towards for a long time. We adopted Naomi in September of 2003 and she has not seen her biological sisters since then. Leaving them was most likely the hardest thing she had ever done in her life, but she had no choice in the matter. The family that disrupted the adoption of the three of them would not allow us to adopt Abby and Maddie, nor would they allow the other family to adopt Naomi. They insisted that these sisters be separated, for reasons not clear to us.

Ever since the day they were separated, one of Naomi's greatest desires was to see Abby and Maddie again. Last summer she asked us if there was anyway she could work to earn the money for a trip to Vancouver Island, BC, where they live. I don't remember if she came up with the idea of raking leaves or if we did, but she soon had signs written up and posted all around our neighborhood.

Calls started coming in for her on a daily basis - sometimes more than one a day. Raking and bagging leaves was a hard job, but she proved herself to be a good strong worker and in no time she had built up an excellent reputation among our neighbors. Folks who had never even heard of the Edwards family knew of Naomi. She had calls coming in for other odd jobs, too, which she often did in addition to her raking.

Many weeks Naomi worked six days a week, often raking more than one yard a day. I sometimes had to go and find her as the sun went down so that she would not walk home in the dark. She wanted to get every last minute of work done that she could. She hired her brothers and sisters to help her, paying them part of what she earned. Some yards yielded 75-100 bags of leaves and no one had a word of complaint for the work she and her siblings did. On the contrary, they often called her back to rake more later, as the leaves continued to fall. These raking jobs lasted into the middle of winter, finally coming to a halt in January.

We gave Naomi a certain goal to work towards, since she would be paying for two airline tickets (we would not allow her to travel alone). Even with paying her workers and buying supplies, she eventually reached and exceeded the amount we suggested she save for the trip.

Tickets have been purchased and Naomi and I will be leaving soon for the long awaited trip to see her biological sisters. I only hope the neighbors can do without her for a week.

We would greatly appreciate prayers for this trip. We will fly into Seattle and then our good friends there will drive us to the ferry depot where we will catch a ferry to Vancouver Island. The week will be gone in a flash and the hard earned money well spent.

God has brought this young girl so far - from a rural village in Vietnam to a highly respected hard working young woman in Huntsville, AL. To Him be all the glory!!

God's Garden

2006-06-26T15:39:00.000-05:00

Planting flowers is one of my favorite things to do, when God blesses me with the energy to do so. This past spring I spent much time preparing this flower bed and planting lots and lots of gladioli and caladium bulbs. I went so far as to alternate two different colors of gladioli and then surround them with the caladiums as a border. It was so exciting for the kids and I to watch as they sprouted and began growing.

Something strange began to happen, though. Another kind of plant started growing, too. Not knowing what they were, I began to pull some of them up, assuming they were weeds. Sergei finally convinced me that they were sunflowers, though, and that I should let them continue to grow. How did the seeds get there? We have a bird feeding station near this flower bed so the seeds were either dropped by birds or carried there by squirrels. Either way, I began to think of them as God's Garden. They have thrived and are now showing their beautiful bright yellow flowers - even the "mutant sunflower" that has about 15 buds on one stalk is doing well.

The flower bed looks nothing like I had planned on it looking, but that is OK. My life looks very little like I would have planned on it looking right now, either. I would have never thought of having a dozen kids if left to plan my own life ("I am way too selfish for that and not at all able to handle that many kids.") I certainly would not have planned to have a neurological disorder that the doctors have no cure for. Yet, these are seeds that God planted in my life, just like He planted those beautiful sunflowers. I am so glad Sergei convinced me to allow the sunflowers to grow. I am even more glad that God's plan for my life is perfect and filled with lots of "sunflower surprises" along the way.

Pride vs. Humility

2006-06-23T10:55:00.000-05:00

Having an illness that outwardly affects my body as much as dystonia does is proving to be a huge lesson in humility. Slowly I have begun to realize how sinfully full of pride I have been (and still are). I often try to hide the spasms when I am around others, which of course tends to make them worse in the end. I bought a cane the other day, although I have been very hesitant to use it. Why the hesitancy? My pride gets in the way. I don't want people to look at me and wonder what the "problem" is. I want to look normal (OK, OK, stop laughing. No one with a dozen kids at home looks normal, do they?) Mostly though, I don't want my kids to worry about me.

Last night during our family time I confessed my sin of pride to the family and shared my plan for putting off that sin and replacing it with humility. I have renamed the cane - it is now a "humility stick". Everytime I use it I hope to put off my pride and put on humility. I will most likely have to do that on a daily (hourly?) basis, but I know that God will be my Rock during this time.

A good friend wrote me an encouraging email and mentioned that my "reach exceeds my grasp". I have spent a lot of time mulling that phrase over and I now see what she meant. Indeed, she was very accurate. I am continually taking on more than I can physically handle. Learning to live with Dystonia is going to mean admitting that I cannot do all of the things I want to. I need to shorten my reach and concentrate more on what I can hold in my grasp. The strength of that grasp may even change from day to day, hour to hour.

Perhaps God has given me an illness that draws the attention of others so that I can shine His light more brightly. When I am weak He is strong. I need to keep reminding myself that people are not seeing my weaknesses. Rather they are seeing the strength God has generously blessed me with to embrace His plan for my life. I fail each and every day, but God's mercies are new every morning!

In Need of Some Prayers

2006-06-15T19:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends and Family,
I would like to share a brief prayer request with you regarding the neurological illness I have (dystonia). Twice this week I have had what are called "Dystonic Storms". Basically they are extreme body spasms from my toes up to my head. We were able to ride the first one out at home, but today I ended up in the ER with the second one.

Please pray that I will not become discouraged by these episodes and that I will continue to look for ways to share God's love through them. Also, please pray that the doctor in Birminghan will be able to give me some ways of dealing with these at home rather than having to go to the ER.

I also need to learn how to avoid these, if all possible, so pray for me to have the wisdom to discover how to best do that.

Thanks
Ramona

2006-06-14T16:41:00.000-05:00

These are a couple of photos that Sergei took on our deck. We love watching the birds, squirrels and chipmunks that delight in his blooming utopia outside our sunroom windows. Sergei truly has a gift for capturing God's creatures in photos.

Today's Gift

2006-05-23T15:43:00.000-05:00

Show me your ways, O LORD;
Teach me Your paths,
Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day.
Psalm 25:4-5

Today God gave me a gift. After having struggled with neurological problems continually for over a year now, I finally have a name for the illness. A Movement Disorder Specialist at UAB told me this morning, after careful consideration and a consultation with his partner, that I have Generalized Dystonia. I am so thankful that God allowed this doctor to have the wisdom and knowledge to make a diagnosis. Not knowing what the illness is has been a huge challenge for me over the last year, since one of my greatest temptations is a desire to be in control of my own life. I confess that I have ranted and raved in many sinful ways, demanding that God share this information with me. However, in His infinite wisdom He chose to make me wait and learn many lessons along the way.

Having this gift (the name of the disease) does not change my physical condition one bit. It will be helpful in allowing me to concentrate on learning more about it, though, and finding ways to manage the illness. Knowing what it is also helps the doctors to know how to better help me with medications. Dr. Nicholas gave me a new prescription today that I will be taking for the next three months, to see if it helps alleviate the symptoms.

What is dystonia? Here is a brief description: "Dystonia is a neurological movement disorder characterized by involuntary muscle contractions, which force certain parts of the body into abnormal, sometimes painful, movements or postures. Dystonia can affect any part of the body including the arms and legs, trunk, neck, eyelids, face, or vocal cords." The full description can be found at http://www.dystonia-foundation.org/defined/. The doctor today told me that the cause is a "chemical imbalance in the brain." Apparently the type of dystonia I have (generalized - adult onset) is "very rare" and mine is an atypical case even of that. Of all the body parts listed above, only my vocal cords are not involved at this point and the spasms are continual throughout the day.

Doctors do not have a cure for dystonia and it is considered a life long disease. Unless God chooses to heal my body I will most likely have it the rest of my life. Of course we will pray for healing, but mostly that God will use this illness as a way for me to shine His light in this "jar of clay". Medications may help alleviate some of the symptoms, as there plenty of medicinal options to choose from. I hope to do some nutritional research too, now that I know what direction to search in.

Thank you all so much for your prayers this past year. God is indeed merciful and faithful in His answering of them. I would appreciate continued prayers as I serve the Lord through this illness and learn ways to better deal with my physical limitations.

2006-05-16T15:13:00.000-05:00

Sergei has created a "birds and blooms" utopia on the deck next to our sunroom. In the last few days we have had the absolutely delightful opportunity to watch a family of woodpeckers go through their daily routine. God's creation is so totally cool! Along with these guys, we see finches, wrens (one of my favorites!), hummingbirds, cardinals, sparrows, Tufted Titmice, doves, cowbirds and an occasional Goldfinch. Of course we cannot help but be amused at the antics of the squirrels and chipmunks, too. Chipmunks have a way of making me giggle every single time I see them. Those little tails held so high are just too much. Yesterday I also saw three bunnies in our yard, chasing each other around - it was almost more than I could handle at one time!

As amazing as seeing these creatures is, I am equally amazed at the talent God has bestowed upon Sergei in the area of photography. I pray that he will someday have the opportunity to use this talent to His glory.

Oh my... there are two baby woodpeckers out there now. I need to go...;-)

2006-05-14T17:42:00.000-05:00

A Very Special Mother's Day

Today, as most people did, we celebrated Mother's Day. We also celebrated three birthdays. Naomi was 15 last Wednesday, Nikki (our cousin who lives with us) was 19 yesterday and Anna will be 14 this next week. It was so very special to share this celebration with them.

Here are the words to the Mother's Day card the kids gave me:

You've always known me better
than I thought anyone could.
You've always given me
exactly what I needed,
whether it was love, advice, help or time.
Thanks for taking
such good care of me.
I love you.
Happy Mother's Day.

This card was signed by all of the kids and chosen by the child who joined our family the most recently. She even chose my favorite color when she picked this card. This is a child who did not have a real mother who loved her until the age of 14. I have the privilege of being that mother.

From the ones I birthed to the one we most recently adopted, I am so humbled and thankful for these blessings. I am not at all worthy for the minsitry God has chosen me for, but I am so thankful He has equipped me for the task. I fail daily, yet He is my strength.

Sheshe

What is a proverb?

2006-05-11T23:46:00.000-05:00

I am doing a series of post on the Proverbs for our youth group blog. I thought I would post them here as well as they are taking up most of my bloggin time.

Proverbs 1:1 The Proverbsof Solomon son of David, king of Israel:

What exactly is a proverb? ABiblical proverb is a short statement designed to teach us wisdom. Wisdom in the Bible has more to it then knowing a bunch of abstract facts. Biblical wisdom entails the skill of being able to choose the right course of action. Certainly knowledge of facts and principles are part of Biblical wisdom, but they are not all of it. Biblical wisdom also involves skill in doing what is right.

But, how do these short little statements teach us wisdom? Some dont even seem to make sense, and some seem to contradict each other. Well each short statement is designed to teach one simple truth about how the world works. We are then called on to apply our other knowledge of the Scriptures to unpack them and see them for what they are. Having done this we are ready to apply the truth in our lives.

However, before we go too far we need to understand a few things about proverbs.

1) Proverbs dont always speak to the way things ought to be, theyspeak to the way things are. Lets look at an example:

Pro 25:24 It is better to live on a corner of the housetop than in a house in company with a quarrelsome wife.

Does this mean that a man ought to retreat to his roof when his wife wants to quarrel? Does it mean that wives should quarrel? Certainly not! It does however teach a great deal about nature of the marriage relationship for those who are willing to ponder it.

2) Proverbs are not allegories. Several of our kids have had opportunities to write about proverbs as part of their school. Invariably they will try to over spiritualize the meaning of the proverb. Every thing will represent something else and all sort of hidden meaning will be found. However, this is not what the proverbs are about. There meaning should be taken as their plain meaning. There may be spiritual applications and they may illustrate other spiritual truths but, when interpreting them, the plain meaning should be the preferred meaning.
3) Proverbs need to be meditated on. Prov 1:6 calls them riddles or dark sayings depending on you translation. They need to be treated like a nut, a hard shell that first must be cracked and the good parts picked out of the pieces of the shell. Hard work, but very satisfying.

As we go on, we will look at many of the Proverbs in detail, and I am going to post some and get some of you to help crack the nut and pick out the pieces. However, next I want to talk about the author of the book and what we can learn from his life. Then we will take a tour through the earlier chapters which are not true proverbs but a series of short exhortations on various projects.

Feel free to comment and ask questions or even correct something you see wrong.

Weeds

2006-05-11T21:46:00.000-05:00

How long has it been since you have considered weeds? I mean really thought about them. They are a nuisance, aren't they? Really?

The last few evenings I have been pulling weeds in a flower bed and it has been a delightful time of reflection. I am so thankful that God has allowed me the physical ability to do this, as I hear from other friends who are struggling more than I am. The microscosm of a flower bed is so fascinating - from the rich brown soil to the squirmy and slimy earthworms. Watching a tender shoot emerge from day to day is a exciting process, especially with the rains we have been blessed with lately.

Flower beds are such peaceful places. Even the bunnies venture into the yard when I am sitting there quietly pulling the weeds. The birds sing and eat their seeds, oblivious to my intrusion. I am still waiting patiently for a chipmunk to come and visit me during this time, too.

The best part is the camaraderie I find in the flower beds, though. Kids have a way of coming and joining me, sharing my peace and quiet or talking about things of little importance. Those times are precious, as there are no pressures on and we can simply enjoy each other and God's green earth.

Someday those gladiolis and caladiums will be going full strength and we will not need to weed the dirt around them as much. That may be a sad time, yet a glorious one as we watch the beauty of the flowers.

Are there weeds in your life? Look carefully and see what the blessings are as you work on slowly and patiently pulling those weeds, one by one. Avoid simply spray weed killer on them and being done with it. You may miss some wonderful times of drawing closer to your Lord.

The Dawning of a New Edwards Era

2006-05-11T17:00:00.000-05:00

Here we go, folks!! We have our first official licensed driver now, as Jennifer PASSED her road test today!! Yea!!!!! Others are hot on her heels (Zhenya has a permit, Sergei, Nikki and maybe Kathryn will take the written test next week), so we are very thankful that God was gracious and allowed Jennifer to pass the test. I think I was about as nervous as she was.

Now I just get to start worrying when she goes out alone...

Blessings and Lessons

2006-04-27T19:59:00.000-05:00

Today we sold the first home that we ever bought (in 1988). It has been quite an emotional rollercoaster over the years, but God has had many lessons for us along the way. Here are my thoughts, as written on Closing Day:

As I sit here waiting patiently (I can do that now, since we finally have all of the paperwork in) for the closing on our townhouse, I am able to reflect on the blessings and lessons God has brought us through owning it these last 18 years. We are very thankful to finally be able to sell it, but we are also thankful for having owned it. Here are some of my thoughts as I reflect on this transaction.

Blessings:

This was the first home we ever bought. It fit our needs wonderfully for a few years and we brought three of our babies home when we lived there. One of our neighbors became a life long friend and she was a huge blessing to us while we lived there. We also had the opportunity to help her on numerous occasions. Bob and I learned the basics of home ownership through the purchase of this home and we learned how to make repairs that would have otherwise been done by a landlord.
Although having a train come within fifty feet of your back fence would be an irritant to a lot of folks, we have fond memories of it. When Trey was a baby, I could lay him down in his crib when the train came by and the gentle rocking would put him right to sleep. If he was out in the back yard when it came by, he would raise his hands up and put them on his cheeks, rather than his ears. He never seemed to understand that we were putting our hands on our ears to shut the sound out. Tessa insists that the house was much bigger when we lived there. Of course, that has everything to do with her being much smaller, though. She cannot understand how we got a small wading pool, her Little Tikes car and a swing on the back patio now, when she goes back to look at it again. She remembers wanting to be able to reach a certain spot on the fence and longing to be able to look over it when the train came by. Now, at 5ft 8in she simply stands there and gazes at the train while standing on the ground.
We were blessed to have good tenants the last few years we owned the townhome. A young international couple lived there for six years and we were able to provide them a good home for less than market value rent. In the end, we were able to sell the townhome at a good price to a young couple who were buying their first home. It was fun to see how excited they were about buying it, having slept very little the night before due to home buying jitters.
This was the first year that God allowed us to have the cash to spend on updating the home so that we could put it on the market. It was a real blessing to be able to do that, and we are so thankful to have gotten a good enough price out of it to pay ourselves back for the expenses and have a little left over. Now we have enough to pay the deductible for having our hail damaged roof replaced in our current home! Although we wanted so badly to sell the townhome in the past, it was apparent that this was the perfect time for us to put it on the market.

Lessons:

Along with the blessings, God taught us many lessons during the time that we owned the townhouse. First of all, we learned to prayerfully consider major purchases such as this (we did not include Him in the purchase). I admit that I ran headlong into this transaction, guided only by my emotions and desires. I suspect that I basically dragged Bob along behind me, too, since I was not a godly and submissive wife at that point in my life. We did not research the purchase much at all. Instead, I was blinded by a home larger than any we had ever had, with everything in it brand new.
We have learned that we spent way too much on the purchase of this home. Initially we planned on living there 4-5 years and then selling it and buying a “real home”, but when we did begin trying to put that plan into action we found that no one at all was interested in buying it for the price we had to ask. A number of times we put it on the market, both with a realtor and “For Sale By Owner”, yet we probably only had a handful of people actually look at it and no one seriously interested. This was due to the fact that we paid too much and were forced to put a price on it that no one else was willing to pay.
Being the first owners of a home is exciting, but we also discovered the drawbacks of working the “kinks” out of a new home (ie, dryer was not vented to the outside, causing moisture to build up between the ceiling and upstairs floor). Also, you never know how a neighborhood is going to age when you buy a new home. In our case, since each townhome was individually maintained, the upkeep was quite varied and spotty. It was also not determined who would maintained the grass in the entryway after all of the units were sold, so it was not well taken care of. I think it is safe for me to say that we have learned to always buy an older home in an established neighborhood.
Although it was never really in question, we learned that we do not want to be landlords, especially while living a long distance away. Renters inevitably do not take as good of care of a home as owners do, thus causing repairs to be necessary. We also learned to not use one particular property management company in our city.

I am certain that I will think of other blessings and lessons that God has taught us in the particular situation, and I will add those as they come to mind. I pray that we will indeed be thankful and learn the lessons that He has prepared for us along the way.

New Blog

2006-04-27T12:38:00.000-05:00

The GCC youth group blog is now up. This where I will probably be doing most of my posting in the neat future as we try to get it going. Drop by and say hey.

2006-04-24T22:06:00.000-05:00

Thoughts from Gunner, a friend of ours who is TMS student about the pressure of finals week:

I want to work hard because of the Bema Seat grade that's coming. I want to labor to the point of fatigue because my job is to get the gospel to people who are approaching the Great White Throne deadline. I want to concentrate on all the work and ministry I do (not just the pressing work) because it's my responsibility to help prepare the church for when she'll meet Christ her bridegroom. I want eternity, not just graduation, to be my commencement. I want a heavenly reward, not just earthly scholarships. I want to please my Master, not just my professors. In short, I want to have the perspective represented on London Theological Seminary's website even in the midst of end-of-the-semester pressure. I want eternal reasons to fuel what I do and how I do it.

The Lamb That Was Slain

2006-04-15T08:55:00.000-05:00

Remembering the offense of the cross:

Image from Bibleplaces.com

The New Cross

2006-04-15T08:40:00.000-05:00

This was posted by Jerry Wragg in a comment on the Pyromaniacs. Well worth the price of admission.

"From this new cross has sprung a new philosophy of the Christian life; and from that new philosophy has come a new evangelical technique-a new type of meeting and new type of preaching. This new evangelism employs the same language as of the old, but its content is not the same and the emphasis not as before.
"The new cross encourages a new and entirely different evangelistic approach. The evangelist does not demand abnegation of the old life before a new life can be received. He preaches not contrasts but similarities. He seeks to key into the public view the same thing the world does, only a higher level. Whatever the sin-mad world happens to be clamoring after at the moment is cleverly shown to be the very thing the gospel offers, only the religious product is better.
"The new cross does not slay the sinner; it re-directs him. It gears him to a cleaner and jollier way of living, and saves his self-respect...The Christian message is slanted in the direction of the current vogue in order to make it acceptable to the public.
"The philosophy back of this kind of thing may be sincere, but its sincerity does not save it from being false. It is false because it is blind. It misses completely the whole meaning of the cross.
The old cross is a symbol of DEATH. It stands for the abrupt, violent end of a human being. The man in Roman times who took the cross and started down the road has already said goodbye to his friends. He was not coming back. He was not going out to have his life re-directed; he was going out to have it ended. The cross made no compromise; modified nothing; spared nothing. It slew all of the man completely, and for good. It did not try to keep on good terms with the victim. It struck cruel and hard, and when it had finished its work, the man was no more.
"The race of Adam is under the death sentence. There is no commutation and no escape. God cannot approve any fruits of sin, however innocent they may appear, or beautiful to the eyes of men. God salvages the individual by liquidating him, and then raising him again to newness of life.
"That evangelism which draws friendly parallels between the ways of God and the ways of men is false to the Bible and cruel to the souls of its hearers. The faith of Christ does not parallel the world; it intersects it. In coming to Christ we do not bring our old life to a higher plane; we leave it at the cross....
"We, who preach the gospel, must not think of ourselves as public relations agents sent to establish good will between Christ and the world. We must not imagine ourselves commissioned to make Christ acceptable to big business, the press, or the world of sports, or modern entertainment. We are not diplomats, but prophets; and our message is not a compromise, but an ultimatum."

The Biblical Evangelist, November 1, 1991, p. 11

The New Cross

2006-04-15T08:38:00.000-05:00

A World Apart

2006-04-14T23:06:00.000-05:00

One of our daughters talks on the phone regularly with her friend in China. This friend works at the orphanage that our daughter came to the US from and they became friends while Kathryn was there.

Last night after she hung up from the conversation, she was telling me a bit about what they said. Her friend has recently been married and is wanting to have a baby sometime soon. Remember, though, that this is the country where births are restricted. She is hoping to have twins.

At one point she told Kathryn something about her sister and Kathryn wondered aloud how she could have a sister! Her friend told her that apparently there was some rule at the time stating that you could have two children if they were five years apart. However, she and her sister were only three years apart, so their mother was punished. Her wages were reduced dramatically at her job.

What a different world we live in. Bob and I have 12 kids in our home. Indeed, we are rich. Today, in our world, across the globe, parents are still limited by their government on the number of children they can have and they are punished when they have more than their allotted number. Babies are abandoned and left to die - usually girls. Boys with physical defects are rejected. When they are only allowed one child, it must be perfect.

Imagine a world where no one has brothers or sisters. And then look around and be thankful for your own.

Been out for awhile

2006-04-10T22:55:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy few weeks at work, along with "normal" life around our house. I hope to get back to posting soon.

Citizenship Day

2006-03-13T19:42:00.000-06:00

Today we went to Memphis so that Kathryn could say the Oath of Citzenship and receive her certificate of citizenship. Here is what she said:

I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen; that I will support and defend the Constitution and laws of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I will bear arms on behalf of the United States when required by law; that I will perform noncombatant service in the Armed Forces of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform work of national importance under civilian direction when required by the law; and that I take this obligation freely without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; so help me God. In acknowledgement whereof I have hereunto affixed my signature.

Having read it, I wonder how many American born citzen could truthfully take the oath today.

Attachment Disorders the "Cure"

2006-03-09T16:34:00.000-06:00

Having discussed the causes of attachment disorders I want to layout the solution. The solution is simple yet hard. The solution is Biblical parenting. My first thought was that there are many who have done a much better job of describing what Biblical parenting is than me. So I went looking. What I found was this, a succinct description of Biblical parenting.

What I intend to do is to reference you to this and then use it as an outline for a series of posts on Attachment Disorders. I will expound on each point and try to relate them to the particular issues of children who would be considered to have attachment disorders. So lets start with point 1:

Praise a Lot

A child that is praised consistently as well as corrected consistently can tell the difference in what the parent wants and does not want. We are to give honor to whom honor is due and rejoice when our children walk in truth. Romans 13:7, III John 4.

This issue is really important to the kids we are considering. Because of their neglectful or abusive background most of their experience with parents and authority figures has been negative. The result is that their response toward correction is often improper. Correction appears to them as the start of an abuse cycle. Thus they will try to deflect, deny, or avoid correction rather than respond in a positive manner. We need to restore this balance and teach them to respond properly. Add a balancing amount of praise will help put correction in the right perspective for them.

It is interesting to note that, in the book of Revelation, Jesus commends the churches before he corrects them for their problems. Likewise, the Apostle Paul in many of his letters will point out the good points of the church he is writing to before delving into correcting their errors. We could learn well from these examples. It is a good habit to find positive things to say to a child before seeking to correct them.

Getting a child to the point where they accept praise and correction properly is a process that takes time. Some of our children came to us not knowing how to respond to praise. This may be because they have received so little praise in their life that they do not recognize what it is, or it may be that because what praise they did receive was a means of manipulation In either case they tend to not respond properly at first. One example of this is our son who becomes giddy when he receives praise. It seems that the slightest amount of praise convinces him that he is the supreme ruler of the universe and that all power is in his hand. At the same time he is almost impervious to rebuke because he came to us so accustomed to deprivation and pain that he does not recognize either as something to be avoided but merely endured. With him it has been a very slow process.

Others will respond more readily. The key is to balance the praise and correction. How we balance depends on the condition of the child. 1 Tim 5:14 suggests says that we should admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. Those who are seeking to do what is right but are struggling should be encouraged. Those who have no desire to do what is right show be corrected, the strength of correction being determined by the state of their heart.

This can become hard at time because some kids, particularly when they first come, have very few positive traits to praise. We want to encourage them so that they will see that positive behavior produces positive results. This is hard when little of what they do is truly right. Sometimewe must go out of our way to look for things to praise. Thankfully, as time goes on this tends to get better.

I must admit that this is one area in which I personally struggle. I am a very analytical person. I am good at my job because I find the potential problems before theyoccur and try to fix them. This works well with computer software, not so well with children. Children need the balance between praise and correction. Thankfully, my wife is a natural encourager.

Next up: Play a Lot!

The causes of attachment disorders

2006-03-08T23:19:00.000-06:00

Having listed the "symptoms" of Attachment Disorders (ADs) in the last post, I want to discuss them in more detail outlining what I consider to be the causes.

First I think it is important to note that my biological children have all exhibited many of these "symptoms" at various points in their lives. So how are they different than these children with AD's? The problem stems from the fact that, with my biological children, these behaviors occurred one at a time. They were typically dealt with and not allowed to become habits. Though, I confess some were not dealt with as well as others. Still most were dealt with and not allowed to collect.

With the AD children this did not happen. Because their parents were either absent or abusive, these issues were not dealt with and allowed to accumulate. Rather than being quickly extinguished, the behaviors became habits. Thus I would say that the central issue with these children is the lack of proper parenting. Notice I say issue, not cause. The causes vary, but they are all colored by the absence of proper parenting. For example, a child being harmful to another child is the result of sin. However, proper parenting would have taught the consequences of such sin and prevented it from becoming a habit. Other symptoms are the child's response to abuse or deprivation becoming habitual. Now that the abuse or deprivation is removed they continue acting as they had before. In these cases, proper parenting would have meant that there was no need for the child to respond in the first place.

The good new in all of this is that previous poor or absent parenting can be made up for by good parenting today. Sure it is harder, because the problems are all present at once and they are often well ingrained habits. Many parents become overwhelmed by the magnitude of the problem and simply try to give up, passing them off to the "professionals." However, with proper understanding, the Word of God contains answer to all of these problems.

So let's look at the causes of these problems in a little more detail. There are several:

Many of these are sinful habits. Some are responses to abuse or deprivations, but they are still sinful. Through repetition they become not just individual sins, but habitual sins, sometimes to the point of characteraological sins. Many will say, but wait this is not sin it is fear, pain, or something else. While these factors may be present, what the Bible calls sin is still sin. They may be responses to something in their environment, but they are still sinful responses.
If we fail to recognize this, we will not bring the proper "cure" to the "disease." Simply removing the abuse or fulfilling the need will not erase these sinful habits. This is perhaps where many parents get off track. They think that simply supplying them with all their needs and giving them a loving home they will magically be "cured" of all their problems. However, they also need to be shown how to break the sinful habits. Scripture gives clear council on how to deal with the habits of sin.

Other behaviors are merely strange to our eyes. Some such as hoarding food are not necessarily sinful. These are the kind of issuese that are helped by the parents recognizing what their child has gone through. Consider food hoarding. Imagine that the child has been neglected. Papa is gone, mama is an alcoholic. When mama is sober she feeds the child, when she is drunk, she forgets. In these circumstances, it would be completely rational for the child to hoard food, because he does not know when he will get more. It is only when they are brought into a home where food is plentiful that their behavior seems strange. In the world they come from it was perfectly rational, now it is not. Recognizing this for what it is will help greatly. These are the kinds of issues that will often simply go away over time as the children recognize that their world has changed.

Some issues are really unreasonable expectations with the current parents. For instance expecting these kids to act "age appropriately" is often unrealistic. In is unfair for a parent to expect a child who had little social interaction until the age of five to suddenly start "keeping friends for an age-appropriate length of time." Likewise, they may be behind in school because of poor education up until the point of adoption. Expecting them to be "at grade level" immediately is unreasonable.
Problems with the current parents. The best example of this is the parent who claims that the child "argues for long periods of time, often about meaningless or silly things." The last I checked, it takes two to argue. Cases such as these are often more a problem of the parent not dealing with the issue than it is the child.

As you can see there are a variety of causes here. Often an individual issue will be a combination of these. We want to be careful to not just write everything off as merely sin. Often the sins were motivated by deprivation or abuse. Addressing these issues at the same time we address the heart issues will greatly improve our chances of success.

I would say where we most often see families fail with these children is by not understanding all of the issues that are related to a given problem. Some do not grasp the importance of sin in the equation. Others will write off complex issues as merely sin. Understand the causes and the motivations of these children will greatly help a parent deal with the issues.

Thinking more about diversity

2006-03-08T12:51:00.000-06:00

One of the joys of my life is that God has given me a family that I can see what He is doing in "every tribe and nation." My wife, I and the bios are European mutts (Scottish, English, Welsh, German, etc), while we have Rus, Gyspsy, Kazakh, Chinese, and the Qa Dong people of Vietnam. Not quite every tribe and nation, but we have a good start.

Thinking of how each of these others was brought out of their native land at a price. Taken from the cast offs of society, naked poor and wreteched. They have now been given a home with their true father. They get to live with Him and share in all that He has. We are an example of what God has done in the life of a believer.

Kind of neat how each believer gets their own way of magnifying God through the example of their lives.

What is an attachment disorder

2006-03-07T22:59:00.000-06:00

Before we talk about attachment disorders, I want to define them. The symptoms of attachment disorders are typically a list of behaviors. Here is one such list:

My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to other children.

My child can't keep friends for an age-appropriate length of time.

My child doesn't do as well in school as my child could do even with a little more effort.

My child pushes me away or becomes stiff when I try to hug, unless my child wants something from me, in which case my child can be affectionate and engaging.

My child argues for long periods of time, often about meaningless or silly things.

My child has a large need to control everything.

My child is hyper-vigilant.

My child acts amazingly innocent, or pretends that things aren't really bad or a problem when caught doing something wrong.

My child does dangerous things such as runs away, jumps out of windows, or other potentially harmful actions. My child seems oblivious to the fact that my child may be hurt.

My child deliberately breaks or ruins his things or other's things.

My child doesn't seem to feel age-appropriate guilt when my child does something wrong.

My child is impulsive. My child seems unable or unwilling to stop doing something my child wants to do.

My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to animals.

My child steals, or shows up with things that belong to others with unbelievable, unusual, or suspicious reasons for how my child got these things.

My child likes to sneak things without permission, even though my child could have had these things if my child had asked.

My child doesn't seem to learn from mistakes, consequences, or punishments (my child continues the behavior despite the consequences).

My child makes false reports of abuse or neglect. My child tries to get sympathy from others, or tries to get us in trouble, by telling others that I abuse, don't feed, or don't provide the basic necessities.

My child seems not to experience pain when hurt, refusing to let anyone provide comfort.

My child does not usually ask for things. My child demands things.

My child lies, often about obvious or ridiculous things, or when it would have been easier to tell the truth.

My child is quite bossy with other children and adults.

My child hoards, sneaks food, or has other unusual eating habits (eats paper, raw sugar, non-food items, package mixes, baker's chocolate, etc.)

My child often does not make eye contact when adults want to make eye contract with my child.

My child has extended temper tantrums.

My child chatters non-stop, asks repeated questions about things that make no sense, mutters, or is hard to understand when talking.

My child is accident-prone (gets hurt a lot), or complains a lot about every little ache and pain (needs constant attention).

My child acts cute or charming to get others to do what my child wants.

My child is overly friendly with strangers.

My child has set fires, or is preoccupied with fire.

My child prefers to watch violent cartoons and/or TV shows or horror movie (regardless of whether or not you allow your child to do this).

According to the link, if your child has more than five of these "symptoms" you should seek professional help. If your child also had problem during the first few years such as neglect/abuse, in an orphanage, or adopted then they have an attachment disorder. Note that this list is by no way definitive. Each list you see will be somewhat different. For instance, some will add severe illness during the first year as a cause. Other lists will have a slightly different selection of symptoms. The key elements are a number of undesirable behaviors combined with problems in the first few years of life.

So those are attachment disorders according to the experts.

So, discerning readers, anyone see any problems with these symptoms?

Diversity

2006-03-07T08:00:00.000-06:00

The church must be diverse, because Jesus didn’t die to save just white people. The church must be diverse, because God is not glorified when we love each other just because we’re humanly similar. The church must be diverse, because the world must see that the bond of Christ is stronger than blood and nationality and language and civil wars and racism and generational differences and cultures and continents and politics and personalities and occupations.

One of the most significant ways that Christ is magnified is through a unified diversity of blood-bought sinners who stand shoulder-to-shoulder and joyfully exalt Him with one heart and one voice. This is the true fellowship of the saints. This is the colorful family of God. This is the rainbow of the redeemed.

By Gunner23 read the whole post here.

No post

2006-03-06T21:52:00.000-06:00

I had promised to make some follow up posts on attachment disorders. However, I am somewhat under the weather. This is high pollen season in our neck of the woos and my allergies are working overtime, leaving me wiped out a lot. I do still intend to post on the subject, the posts may just be slow in coming out.

Attachment Disorders

2006-03-03T23:02:00.000-06:00

4given asks:

From a Biblical perspective, what are your thoughts on "attachment disorder" or "reactive attachment disorder" and the prevailing thought that it must be treated by a professional psychologist with a Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder approach?

Interesting question. We have done considerable thinking in this area. It is unclear to us whether we have dealt personally with these issues. All three of our daughters who came from disruptions were or probably would have been diagnosed with attachment disorders. However, when we got them we never saw many problems. So were the attachment issues with the child or with the parents? I would say the issue was as much the parent's expectations as it was an actual problem with the child.

Let me begin by saying that I do not believe that the psychX sciences have much to offer. Modern psychology is based on a set of presuppositions that do not entirely agree with Scripture. As such their conclusions are suspect. They do have a good body of observed data that can be helpful, however their corrupt view of the nature of man will often lead them to invalid conclusions regarding the data. This does not mean that they are never right. However, their invalid presuppositions color all of their conclusion. Thus each must be evaluated on its own merit to see whether it agrees with Scripture or not. At some times, it would seem better to just start from scratch rather than rethink everything that had been done.

With regard to "attachment disorders," this is really just a wastebasket diagnosis. There is a whole constellation of behaviors that is attributed to attachment disorders. Attachment disorders are diagnosed when the child has some collection of these behaviors combined with not having had parents in the early years of life. Many of these behaviors are not really "symptoms," but are what the Bible calls sin. Others such, as food hording, are rational responses to deprivation that have turned into habits which are now undesirable. Each issue needs to be properly identified and dealt with in the appropriate manner.

The difficulty that comes with these kids is that the have so many issues that they all become interconnected. Language delays can inhibit communication which can inhibit instruction and training which is the means of correcting other problems. Defiance and anger can impede instruction in other areas, etc.. The real problem is not knowing where to begin and how to work on one problem without working on all the others.

I will try to post more on this issue in the coming days. I will probably take up what I consider to be the causes of attachment disorders and then talk about dealing with some of the issues.

A "Real" Family?

2006-03-03T15:58:00.001-06:00

We have been called many things over the last few years. Some folks call us crazy, strange, odd, weird, insane or other unflattering adjectives. I cannot, nor will I, dispute these labels. It is how we appear to God that matters, not how men perceive us.

On the other hand, some have called us a "real" family. Interestingly enough, each time we have been called that, it was by a child who was struggling, or their parents. Twice, children who were being disrupted were brought to us by parents who told them along the way that they were going to see how a REAL family worked. The third time I am aware of was from a teenage relative who had been visiting. His home life was less than ideal, and he made this comment to his grandmother with tears in his eyes, as he left.

This begs the question, "What IS a "real" family?" Why do some folks consider us crazy or odd, while some consider us "real"? I do not have the advantange of seeing into other people's homes and lives, so this is hard for me to determine.

So, I will pose the question to you, our readers. What do you think the characteristics of a "real" family are?

Go Ask Dad

2006-03-02T22:18:00.000-06:00

This is our regular feature on this blog called Go Ask Dad. This is a place where people can ask us any question, and I, sheshe, or one of the kids will attempt to answer it. We will answer questions about us, or try to help you with what is going on in your family. We will answer just about any question that applies to home, family, homeschooling, or adoption. We will even say "I don't know" when we don't.

My Physician's Visits

2006-03-01T16:21:00.000-06:00

The last post my husband made stated that we would be gone for a while, on medical trips. We are home from both of those now, with mixed results. The basic conclusion that all four doctors came to was that I do not have what they doctors here thought I had (Opsoclonus Myoclonus). That is good news, since this is a very rare and difficult to treat neurological illness, but yet it puts up back in "limbo land". A number of comments were made regarding this illness being "psychogenic", some more veiled than others. Even though we assured the doctors that I have been seen by certified counselors who firmly believe my illness is not caused by stress factor, they insisted that my next move should be to see a psychiatrist. Ha! Can you imagine me, a mother of 11 (twelve for now, actually) who has her mother in law living in the same home and has moved with the last year, NOT being diagnosed with SOMETHING?!! I MUST be crazy, right? You see, they just don't understand. Their answers to most things seem to come in small, amber colored bottles.

The doctor in Philadelphia was indeed very knowledgeable and is doing more blood work related to a study which is being done there. When they get those results, he will call me with further recommendations.

Now I will share the most exciting news with you! Yesterday morning I woke up with my symptoms almost practically GONE! Just like that! After a year of waking up jerking, this was so odd. My eyes stayed where I wanted them to, also! No drugs or therapies or doctors can take the credit for this improvement. It is fully and completely a work of the Lord. To Him be the glory! My "stress" level has certainly not decreased over the last couple of weeks, so I don't see how they could attribute it to that, either. I even drove today - something I had previously taken for granted, but have grown to appreciate more and more over the last few weeks, being unable to do it in my own.

Will this change be permanent? I don't know. That, like my illness, is in God's hands. He is the Great Physician, indeed. I will be thankful for ever single moment that I am not a "jerk" and if God chooses to bring my illness back in full force, I will continue to praise Him for the the break I had from it. I will even thank Him for the illness, as it provides so many opportunities to reach folks whom I would otherwise not come in contact with.

Take your kleenex

2006-02-27T18:25:00.000-06:00

Tessa has written another story. Take your kleenex with you.

Gone

2006-02-16T09:03:00.000-06:00

We are going to be out with doctors visits for sheshe. We'll be back next week.

Precious Cargo

2006-02-11T20:09:00.000-06:00

PRECIOUS CARGO

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:19-21

Recently, my teenage daughter and I were driving in our truck on the highway, following my husband and the rest of our kids who were in the van. As I gazed at this van in front of us, it suddenly occurred to me what it held inside. This van carried irreplaceably precious cargo that meant more to me than any material goods in my life. Although our van is large, it was a bit overwhelming to realize the immensity of what was inside its relatively small area, traveling down the highway at 70 miles per hour. My earthly treasures were indeed inside that fifteen passenger van. Eleven souls that meant so much to me - my husband and ten of our kids. No price could be placed on the contents of that van - the cargo was much too precious for that.

As I was thinking of this, my thoughts traveled back over 19 years, to another vehicle that held all of my earthly treasure. In 1987, my husband and I were relocating from one state to another so that he could start his first professional level job. We had been married nine years at this point and had no children.

The moving was physically very difficult, as we encountered a heavy snowstorm on the way. One of us was driving a large U Haul truck, pulling a car behind, while the other drove a car. A 13 hour drive turned into a very stressful 25 hour drive.

I distinctly remember, as we came out of the hotel one morning, looking at the truck and realizing that all of our worldly goods were packed into it. That thought seemed overwhelming at the time, as I wondered what we would do if someone came by and stole the truck. At that time, this seemed like the worst thing that could have happened to us.

I am so thankful for how God has changed my perspective on life in these last 19 years. He has taken me and my husband around the world and through some very difficult times, but in the process I have discovered that having lost that truck of worldy goods might have actually been a healthy occurrence for me. At that point in my life, my treasures were ones which could have been easily destroyed. By God’s grace, the treasures in my life today are ones that I can take with me after this life! The load in that fifteen passenger van was indeed worth so very much more than the goods packed into that U Haul truck, so many years ago.

Financing Adoptions Part II

2006-02-10T23:32:00.000-06:00

In the previous post I discussed the tax credit available for adoptions and showed how it can affect the overall cost of an adoption. In this post I want to discuss the costs involved in an adoption and show how they can vary greatly. This means that a wise person can greatly reduce the cost of adopting a child by choosing careful. Let's talk first about foreign adoptions.

In a foreign adoption there are four basic costs:

1) Home study. Home studies are common to both foreign and domestic adoptions. The requirements for a home studies vary by state. This means that the cost varies per state anywhere from more than a thousand dollars down to a few hundred. Generally the couple hires a social worker to do the home study, so some reduction can be gained by shopping around. However, in general this cost is pretty well fixed in a given state.

2) Governmental fees. These are the fees required to get a visa for the child and for yourselves. They run a few hundred dollars for the processing. It's the government, you cannot negotiate.

3) Travel costs. These will depend on the country the child is in and how many trips are required. In the case of some countries, there is no requirement to travel. However, in those cases, you are usually required to hire an escort to bring the child to you, which erases most of the benefit of not traveling. Another factor is that some countries do not give much notice on travel so that tickets must purchased on short notice and extra fees may be necessary to expedite visas for yourselves.

4) Agency fees. These are the fees used to hire the agency, they also pay for the in country facilitators and translators. These can vary from as little as $2,000 - $20,000. This varies by country, by how much work you are willing to do, by whether the agency is for profit or a non profit ministry, and a number of other factors. This is obviously where it is very important to shop around. Our Russian adoptions were done through a small agency that was run as a ministry by a doctor and his wife who had been medical missionaries in the area our kids are from. Their fee for each adoption was around $1,500, plus about $1,000 for the translator/facilitator, and $1,000 dontation to the orphanage in Russia. At the same time we have heard of a couple spending $20,000 just for the agency fee for adopting a single child. Depending on the nature of the agency, some will reduce fees for adopting multiple children, for special needs children, or older children because they are harder to adopt out. Some will also have grants available for some children.

For domestic adoptions the cost are basically the same, with some differences:

1) Home studies are pretty much the same. The requirements are slightly different so prices may vary, but not usually that much.

2) Governmental fees. These are usually court related costs and vary from state to state. In our domestic adoptions these have been minimal.

3) Travel costs. These can range from $0 for an adoption in the same city to the cost of a couple of week stay in a US city. In each of our three domestic adoptions, we were able to stay with friends of friends who reduced the cost to very little, except the one in Seattle where the cost of some plane tickets were involved.

4) Agency fees. We have never actually used an agency for our domestic adoptions, so I am not as familiar with the costs here. My understanding is that they are usually less than for a foreign adoption, though they can be rather large.

5) Lawyers fees. Depending on wether the adoption is in the same state or not, these generally run in the $2,000-$3,000 range based on our experience. There are probably some states where they are higher than this because of the number of regulations, but we have no experience with these.

So addiing all these together the cost of adoption can run anywhere from $40,000 to $2,500. Clearly a wise man can compelete an adoption for far less than the maximum. In our case our most expensive adoption was $17,000 for three children and, through God's providence, our cheapest was under $500!

In the final post in this series, I will discuss how we and others have raised the funds for adoptions.

Financing Adoptions.

2006-02-10T16:25:00.000-06:00

Julie Lamey said...

I was wondering how one goes about financing an adoption since I have heard how expensive they are.

First the short answer God Provides.

Second, while it can be very expensive to adopt a child, it does not have to be. The total cost to us for adopting our eight children is about $21,000 total. This will drop to as low as about $8,000 over the next four years as the ongoing effect of the adoption tax credits have their effect on our tax bill. Most of that came from our first adoption which occured before the current tax laws went into affect. The last six children were essentially adopted for free once the ongoing tax credits are accounted for. Of course, I am not talking about the cost of raising them here only the cost of the actual adoption.

Because of its importance, let me talk first about the federal adoption tax credit. The federal government gives you up to $10,000 in tax credit per child to cover the cost of an adoption. This a credit not a deduction, which takes away from your taxes owed, not your income. It also will carry over for up to five years if you cannot ues it all the first year. As an example, let's look at the tax liability of a couple with no kids making $55,000 a year and taking the standard deduction. Before the adoption their taxes look like this:

Adjusted gross income	$55,000
Standard/Itemized deductions	$10,300
Personal exemptions	$6,600
Taxable income	$38,100
Tax liability before credits	$4,960
Child tax credits	$0
Estimated tax liability	$4,960

As you can see, they would owe about $5,000 in taxes. However, after adopting a child and spending at least $10,000 their tax situation would look like this:

Adjusted gross income	$55,000
Standard/Itemized deductions	$10,300
Personal exemptions	$6,600
Taxable income	$38,100
Tax liability before credits	$4,960
Adoption credit	$4,960
Child tax credits	$1,000
Estimated tax liability	-$1,000

As you can see, they now get a $1,000 REFUND! That is because the adoption credit covered all of their tax liability, and they still get the $1,000 per child credit that everyone gets, and it is refundable. This will keep going, until the have used up the entire $10,000 of the adoption credit. Assuming their tax liability is high enough, they will get all of their money back from the government within five years. In addition, the states will often give you a deduction for adoption expenses.

Of course, this doesn't solve all of the financial issues. The adoption may cost more than $10,000 and you still need to get the money up front to do the adoption with. I will deal with reducing costs and getting money in the next couple of posts.

Your history

2006-02-09T00:08:00.000-06:00

When you adopt a child as a teenager from a foreign country they come already knowing a good deal. One of the things they know is history. However, their history and your history may not quite agree.

For instance one of the "facts" of history that we had to deal with our Russians was that Stalin was considered a hero. Obviously, our history and theirs seems to differ in that assessment. Also, our Chinese daughter had been taught that the US wasn't in WWII.

It has been said that history belongs to the winners. I think these examples bare that out.

However, it makes you wonder what we have been taught in our history classes that may not be as true as we think.

Our homeschooling curriculum contains a number of original sources. I remember reading Stonewall Jackson's biography and reading his reasons for going to war for the South. I realized how much the history I had been taught was based on the fact that the North won and thus controlled the writing of history. There was more reason for the South going to war than simply to protect their owenership of slaves. Whether they were right or not, is not the issue. This side was never presented in our history books.

I wonder what else we haven't been told.

Go Ask Dad IV

2006-02-07T09:08:00.000-06:00

We are NOT Super Christians

2006-02-05T22:40:00.000-06:00

As I was listening to our Sunday School teacher talk this morning about how we as Christians should be involved in one another's lives, it reminded me of a conversation sheshe had with a woman whose family is much like ours, only bigger. She had been praying for God to send her a friend. Most of the people she knew simply did not know how to relate to her, because of her large family built through adoption.

This is all to common with families like ours. We seem to engender a kind of awe in people. You know that kind of awe that is reserved for Super Christians (SC's). Usually we are assigned a spot somewhere between choir director and pastor, but a few people have even placed us in those rarefied heights reserved for missionaries to cannibals living in the jungle. Unfortunatly, that usually means they will only talk to us in those tones reserved for heads of state and all star atheletes. Ok, so maybe I exaggrate a little.

The point though is that this often leaves us isolated. Too often we will ask someone a question, and they will look at us like "Why are you asking me? You are the expert." They feel that they have nothing to offer those such as us, or that we must be really busy and have no time for someone as simple as them.

None of this is true. We are people, just like everyone else. We are not SC's. The problem, I think, is that they fail to see God's picture of the church as a body. They may be a finger or a toe and think, "Oh there are plenty like me, I am not needed." Then the look at someome like us who there aren't many of and think we are some higher level of being, some SC. But just because the bladder is unique, doesn't mean that it is any grander or necessary than the hands and feet.

Ok, enough with the metaphors, what is my point?

My point is that we need people, normal people, to come along side us. Sure you may not be able to help us with the unqiue issues of parenting an older adopted child. But if you have parented any child, you may have insight to give. If you are a student of God's word, you have wisdom to share. You can still hold us accountable. You can still be our friends. You can treat us like normal people so that we don't develop spiritual pride by believing we are the SC's people treat us like.

In fact, folks like us often need folks like you to reach out to us. We can get so wrapped up in the battles of the day, with ministering to our children, with appearing to be a SC, that we don't recognize when we need to make connections to others. You don't have to invite us over, we know how hard that can be. But you can send us an email, or invite us to go to lunch, or give us a call, if nothing else, we will appreciate the fact that someone cares.

So let me suggest to all you normal people out there. Find someone that you put on a pedestal, like us or a pastor or whoever, and reach out to them. You may just find that they would enjoy having friends that they can feel normal with.

Chinese New Year

2006-02-03T21:24:00.000-06:00

It was actually a few days ago. But we celebrated to day with the traditional dumplings (fried won ton) and hot and sour soup. Our three Asian girls spent most of the afternoon making the dumplings. Oh, and of course, the traditional cole slaw. Oh wait, maybe Grandma made that.

Anyway one of the great joys of adopting teenage girls is that they already know how to cook. That is one of the ways we get to share in their culture, by having them cook some of their native dishes. Yum.

Busy

2006-02-03T00:01:00.000-06:00

This has been one of those busy weeks. The talks with teenagers ended about 11:30 tonight. The rest of the nights have been to about midnight. Very tiring and yet very enjoyable.

I spend a great deal of time talking to my kids, particularly my girls. So far this week we have talked about everything from how boys look at girls (talking to the girls) to biblical conflict resolution to how to handle money to the selling of girls as wives in China. In amoungst these we worked in various elements of the Gospel from the utter depravity of man to the substitutionary atonement of Christ. I even feel that one of my daughters may have moved a little closer to true faith in a better understanding of her inability to go to heaven by keeping the law.

The teenage years are a time when a person becomes more and more aware of the world around them. Suddenly others in the world matter to them. They start recognizing that there is a future that they need to prepare for. There is a big world out there that they have only seen a little of. And it is my great joy to be able to tell them about the God who made it all and How they can know Him.

Tessa's Blog

2006-02-02T16:26:00.000-06:00

One of our fourteen year old daughters has started her own blog. Tessa is an excellent writer and I have posted some of her work here. She writes mostly in the fantasy genere. Check it out and see how you like it.

A Typical Day

2006-02-01T19:52:00.000-06:00

Jonathon Moorehead asks, "I would like to know what a typical day looks like. How do you minister to your family?"

Ramona here, since Bob is usually gone during the days. A typical day? Well, I am still looking for that, too. Nothing seems to be typical around here - the one thing for sure is that nothing will be "normal" during a typical day in our home!

Our schedule is pretty loose, but the kids all know what their chores are and what they need to get done for schoolwork each day. They are free to do these things on their own schedule, within limitations. For instance, many of the kids get up at 6:00 to start their schoolwork, so that they will have extra time later in the day to do fun stuff. I personally don't have schoolwork, so I sleep in until about 8:00 most mornings. ;-)

Breakfast is informal - bagels, cereal, etc. and the kids take care of that on their own. Chores are done after breakfast, with a little bit of reminding here and there. Different groups of kids do laundry on particular days, so that gets started after breakfast, too. Schoolwork, such as learning vocabulary words, is often taken along with them as they do their chores.

On a "normal" day, I would sit down to check schoolwork after my own breakfast, and the kids would come and ask questions as they arose. Lately there have been lots of doctors visits and not many normal days, so I have had to find times to get caught up with the kids on the schoolwork!

Grandma starts lunch around 11:00, with Irina helping her. We eat at 12:00 or so, then the kids clean up the kitchen. All kids are supposed to be out of their pajamas by noon... Some of them take walks or ride their bikes to the library or store after lunch, and some of them continue with schoolwork.

A long standing tradition around our house as been "room time" in the afternoons. When our bio kids were younger, it was called "nap time", but I got so used to it that I am not willing to give it up! They all go into their rooms for two hours in the afternoons, to do their schoolwork or whatever else they like. Lately I have been giving in and letting some of them go hiking, rock climbing or to the library during this time, though.

Grandma starts supper around 4:30 or so, and the kids start coming out of their rooms. I answer more questions, talk to them, put "fires" out and generally take care of business for a while after that. Jennifer usually goes to work at Steak Out around 4:40.

School must be done by 5:00 pm, or there are consequences to be faced, depending on the child and the frequency with which this rule is broken. After supper we do various things, mostly just here at home. Bob and I sit in the sun room and read or work on our computers, while the kids play, read, make videos (a new pasttime) or do the next day's schoolwork. Exceptions are made when our church basketball team is playing, since Sergei and Zhenya are on the team. Choir also practices on Wed evenings and a number of the girls (and Dad) participate in that. Oh yes, and everyone knows that Monday evenings are grocery shopping times!

We gather at 8:30 for Bible Study and family time. Bob talks about what we have been reading in our daily Bible reading, takes questions, talks about particular issues that have come up, or we listen to particular seminars or sermons on the computer or CD. Annoucements are made for the upcoming days, current issues are discussed - then we pass around our prayer cards and take turns praying.

After that, the kids go to their rooms - some go on to bed and some stay up for a while. Inevitably, one or more come to talk to Mom or Dad about something that has been bothering them or a question they have had. Dad often stays up until midnight or later, talking to kids.

And then there are Friday evenings. We have "movie night" every Friday, complete with popcorn and sometimes other treats. On Saturday mornings, Dad takes what he calls a "bus route", where the big blue van goes around to the local stores, dropping kids off and then coming back around to pick them up. This way, they can get shopping and errands done that did not get done during the week.

Sundays are spent mostly at church, starting with Sunday School and ending with evening worship. The afternoons are lazy times, with most folks taking naps.

How do we minister to our family? Well, I am not sure I know the answer to that. Our family IS our ministry to the Lord, so we seek to follow Him in all that we do with our kids. We talk about everything to do with God and the Bible during our normal everyday conversations, and base all of our decision on biblical standards (well, when we are paying attention we do, but in our sinful states we do make mistakes). Our kids are free to talk to us about anything - and they often DO. We do our best to understand just WHO each of our kids are - their likes, dislikes, talents and abilities. When possible, we encourage and help them in the areas they are interested in.

I suppose discipline would be a big part of our ministering to them, also, as it is a picture of how God also takes care of us. We confront, rebuke, and encourage them on a daily basis. Or at least we try to.

OK, now that you know what a typical day would look like, I will admit that few days actually follow that pattern. There are many appointments to go to, errands to run, phone calls to be made/taken, projects to be worked on... We seek to work within certain parameters, though, and to keep stability and structure in our daily routine. When major times of disruption come (like Mom and Dad going out of town for a week), then everything is different, but we always come back to the same place when all is said and done. The kids seem to thrive on consistency and boundaries, even if they DO complain of boredom once in a while!

Does this answer your question, Jonathon? Or did I ramble and get way off base?

Blessings
Sheshe

Sergei's Blog

2006-01-31T12:06:00.000-06:00

Our son Segei has his own blog. He is mostly posting pictures that he or Zhenya (his brother) have taken. Drop by and give him some encouraging words.

Go Ask Dad III

2006-01-31T12:03:00.000-06:00

This is our regular feature on this blog called Go Ask Dad. This is a place where people can ask us any question within reason, and I, sheshe, or one of the kids will attempt to answer it.

Many people often wonder how we do what we do, with eleven kids, homeschooling and most of them coming from different countries. If you are one of those, here is your chance to ask. We try to always remind others that it is all by God's grace, but still He has taught us things that might be helpful to you as you attempt one or more of the things we do. So if you have always wondered how a big family operates, or how you adopt a child from oversees, or how you homeschool kids who speak five different languages only one of which you speak, then go ahead and ask.

Also some of the kids have agreed to answer questions. So feel free to ask them questions, though please refrain from asking personal questions about their background.